I love cartoons. I love Bob's Burgers on Fox more than most of them, and Tina Belcher is the reason for my ardent devotion. Admittedly, I started watching the show because I watch all cartoons, and I think H. Jon Benjamin is a twisted, velvet-voiced genius and I will support every endeavor he takes on in the hopes of way day spinning atop his junk for an hour or two. Have I said too much? Probably I have. Best if we move on.
It didn't take me much longer than five minutes to realize that the heart and soul of Bob's Burgers is the Belcher's oldest daughter, Tina. I, too, am the oldest in a family. I, too, wore a rather severe haircut in middle school along with boxy glasses. I, too, was probably more awkwardly into sex than cute kid characters on T.V. are supposed to be. And perhaps most importantly, I, too, had written my fair share of erotic fan fiction.
I may be 31 now (dear god) but I don't think I've changed a lot from the person I was back when I was Tina's age. Oh sure, I've never studied a Brazilian martial art in the hopes of bagging a dude or secretly dreamed that my dad has taken up residence inside the unicorn poster on my wall, but I've still got the same earnest and awkward demeanor of madame Belcher. Now if only I could adopt some of her more bad-ass qualities. Here are 11 times Tina Belcher was the embodiment of all the things we some day dream of becoming:
1. When She Saved The Day
In many ways, Tina is more self-actualized than I, for one, will ever be. While the rest of us feel our heads (and junk) swell ever-so-slightly when we are praised for doing the right thing, Tina saves the day because it's straight up the right thing to do.
2. When She Seriously Considered a Menage á 25
Remember that time Tina flirted with an entire baseball team? The girl has moxy, gumption, and other seldom-used words to indicate that she has lady-balls, but in a fun 1920s kind of way. If anyone could successfully navigate a menage á twenty-five, it's Tina.
3. When She Wasn't Even Slightly Overdramatic
Tina knows that bottling up your feelings is bad for the soul. So she isn't being overly dramatic when she lays down on the floor and claims that she is near death – she's doing what we should ALL be doing: expressing herself.
4. When She Was The Most Confident Girl at The Pool
I have a hard time mustering up any confidence at all when I'm in a bathing suit. The idea of hitting on a level 10 hottie whilst wearing my suit? Totally unthinkable. Not for Tina, who perpetually has her confidence game on lock.
5. When She Owned Her Sexuality
When most of us were dirty-minded pre-teens, we made do with the occasional sex scene we found in our parents' books (thank you, The Mists of Avalon.) But Tina won't settle for second best. Her burgeoning sexuality is so important to her that she dedicates time and creative energy to it. You get it, girl!
6. When She Worked What Her Mama Gave Her
Unlike other girls her age, Tina isn't going to let the haters get her down. She knows she's got charm by the bucket loads and she will employ it as needed.
7. When She Was Swayed By The Powers of a Beautiful Ass
Butts are magic. I could stare at butts all day. I have done things I regret all for the sake of accessing a butt that I found exceptionally appealing. Tina knows the haunting power of the gluts all to well and has often been made a victim to their wiles. She shares our struggle.
8. When She Overshared
We live in the Age of Over-Sharing, and no one does it better than Tina. Tell the word of your crotch-al discomfort Tina, tell the world! LET THE STREETS KNOW.
9. When She Overshared...Again
Who hasn't been that person at a party kind of buzzed on Miller Life telling everyone about that dream you had where you were sucking John Goodman's thumb, am I right? Guys? Where are you going?
10. When She Embraced Self-Love
Can we have a slow clap for the only show on network television that has captured the moment that a developing girl discovers that masturbation is a thing? And a glorious thing at that? And that there are implements at one's disposable to be employed during this magical endeavor? GOD. BLESS.
11. When She Was Awake
She doesn't even have to be doing anything specific to be doing everything right.
Images: Giphy (12)