10 Things All Coffee Addicts Know To Be True

There are two types of people in the world: People who love coffee and people who NEED TO GET OUT OF MY FACE. True story, I love coffee so much that I quietly burned a hole in my stomach with its furious acids. I know. I was pooping and vomiting blood. A good time was had by none. The messed up part? (I mean, other than the whole blood-coming-from-orifices-it-should-not-have-been-coming-from part.) Even learning I'd ulcered myself into oblivion did not make me stop drinking coffee. Not immediately anyway.

I did finally get my act together and find a way of enjoying coffee without dying, but it wasn't easy. For a brief period of time I had to drink herbal teas, aka, FAILING as a coffee-drinker. Verily, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Coffee addiction is a very real thing with equally real symptoms when you decide to cut back. I was drinking seven to eight million cups a day and now I just drink two.

It wasn't just the cutting back and acknowledging my excesses that was tough. It was acknowledging that it wasn't just a physical addiction I was curbing. It was changing the way I lived my life. There's a code, a way of living, a lifestyle, that only coffee addicts can truly understand. Here are 10 things only those of us, the chosen few, could possibly understand.

1. That a Beverage Can Be Sexy

I may have a difficult times forming long-lasting relationships with dudes, but I have zero issue forming a long-lasting relationship with coffee because it is a fly as hell. I'm all "get in my mouth", thus making the people around me intensely uncomfortable. It's pretty erotic. And humans become equally appealing when they are drinking coffee.

2. That Foam Art Is Stupid

Aw, look, you made a heart! Or a leaf! Or some other foamy garbage that is preventing me from slapping a lid on this sucker and downing its sweet, sweet goodness because now I've got to stand here and fawn over your skills. BARF.

3. That Sometimes Gross Coffee Is Better Than Any $5 Cup

Sometimes artisanal beans that have passed through the anus of a wildcat is just the ticket. But only a tree coffee junkie knows the delicious and vomitous pleasure of draining a cup of coffee that has clearly been brewing since Carter was in office. Mmmm, hurts so good.

4. That One Is Never Enough

I've managed to cut down to two a day. JUST TWO YOU GUYS. But if you tried to make me drink just one I would take off your hand with a meat cleaver that I carry around with me for just such purchases. I feel this is reasonable and right.

5. That Addiction Is Real

The week I stopped drinking coffee cold-turkey was one of the work weeks of my life. The only thing that took the edge off of the nausea, shakes, headaches and bone-crushing fatigue was wine. When you're seriously contemplating cracking open a bottle of Shiraz at 8AM you've essentially just swapped one problem for another.

6. How Annoying It Is When You Have to Share

You like people, sure. Who doesn't like people? Spoiler alert: it's me. There's nothing worse than when guests invade your home and drink your entire pot of coffee and then have the gumption to exclaim to you how delicious it was while you wait for the second pot to brew. You know it was delicious. Just like you know they usually just drink orange juice from breakfast when they're at their own houses.

7. Why a Coffee Date Is a Terrible Idea

A coffee date may seem like a really cool, casual, chill way of getting to know a potential bone-mate. But the truth is that if I'm out somewhere drinking coffee, the last thing I'm thinking about is getting my swerve on. That's because my breath, thanks to the allure of dark roast, is something akin to smelling like the ejaculate of the dark lord.

8. That Size Matters

Why anyone on earth would have a small coffee when they could have a coffee roughly the size and weight of a gallon of milk is absolutely beyond me. This is America. It is our god-given right to drown ourselves in the beverage of our choosing.

9. That It's a Family Affair

If you live with me, you will learn to love coffee. You might not want to drink it everyday but you'll "ooooh" and "ahhhh" when I bring home the good stuff or when I reveal my plans for the new french press. If I'm excited about the coffee in the house, everyone is excited about the coffee in the house.

10. That The World Is Against You

Forget smokers – coffee addicts are the real minority being persecuted by our puritanical society. They are all "You can grocery shop with your coffee" or "You can't come into my fine art shop and/or bookstore with your coffee" or "Ma'am please stop hurling coffee". WHAT IS THSI?! A DICTATORSHIP?!

Images: Getty Images; Giphy(10)