I love H&M. I also love cheap deli sandwiches. These facts are not unrelated, except that both require serious self-control to keep myself from over-indulging in. While I love haute couture and high-sodium sandwiches, I am but a poor impoverished writer and as such cannot always spend such extravagant sums on the clothing on my body or the turkey byproduct entering my digestive tract. Even though both H&M and deli eats come cheap if you just buy a reasonable, normal amount, you never want just that much. You want it all. Every day. But you can't because poverty (and obesity.)
So what do I do? I compromise. Rather than play the martyr and cut myself off from splurging even a little bit, I get the occasional six-inch (sandwich, you pervs), followed by a pair of $20 booties that might make my feet bleed but are also ever so pretty. There I go, leaving a stylish trail of blood and the wafting aroma of Italian herbs and cheese in my wake. (Okay, I'm really done talking about food now. JK, I'm never done talking about food. If you ever see someone eating a sandwich in H&M, that would be me.)
H&M is, as every sane human knows, a magical wonderland of reasonably priced, super cute clothing and accessories. Sure, it's always more crowded than you'd like and you sometimes come away confused as to how you managed to, in a state of frenzy, buy the same pair of pants twice, but the cheap, brightly-colored duds make our little hearts sing. Still, there is an emotional price to be paid for all that we get from this beloved retailer. Here are 14 thoughts we've all had while shopping at H&M.
1. Shouldn't This Shirt Cost More?
I mean, I'm not complaining that this luxurious looking top all encrusted with jewels is only $7.00 but seriously, what's wrong with it? When it comes in contact with human skin does it catch on fire? Can it not come into contact with water without melting? TELL ME THE FLAW.
2. I CANNOT DEAL WITH ALL OF THESE PEOPLE
Seriously, not all of you need clothes right now. How many people can fit in one store before we all literally start to suffocate?
3. I'm just getting one thing
I just moved to a new apartment, and I can't find my gloves, so I need new gloves. That is a perfectly reasonable and responsible use of money. I am only buying gloves. I am absolutely not buying any – oh, I wonder if they have that in my size?
4. How Many Tube Tops Is Too Many Tube Tops?
Tube tops, camis, mico-mini skirts. You walk into H&M and suddenly your ideas of what "essentials" are quickly changes into something much, much sluttier. I've had days where I swear that I've blacked out and woken up at home with a shopping bag full of orange tube tops. Like, easily twenty of them. There is something in the water.
5. Is This Ironically Cool or Just Hideous?
Normally you wouldn't think twice when it came to taking a fashion risk if it was ridiculously expensive. You'd be all "Cool, ass-less chaps are trendy now...FOR EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS. Guess which ridiculous fashion trend I will never be wearing?!" But now you've stopped in front of a hoodie emblazoned with a print of spectacles and you are seriously considering purchasing it for the low, low price of $20. WHO HAVE YOU BECOME?!
6. Who Am I Really?
H&M does this thing where they divide different styles into separate sections, so you might take a turn and end up surrounded by what looks like the closet of someone completely different than you. You imagine what life is like for the person who wears these clothes – could you be that person? Sure, you were just on your way to find leggings, but maybe you should buy this faux fur coat and completely reinvent yourself instead.
7. This sweater is $20 – It would be financially irresponsible of me not to buy it in every color
Because I'll basically live in these sweaters.
8. How long until washing this sweater destroys it?
I'll basically live in these $20 sweaters until I wash them a few times and they are pretty much ruined.
9. Is this dress too short?
You like this one dress, but you're just not sure about it. One way to break the to-buy-or-not-to-buy dilemma? See if it passes the Vagina Test: Bend over and see if your Blessed Biscuit is exposed. You love the bargains and the bright shades but what is it about this place that challenges your lady bits to make themselves known to the public?!
10. I Am A Million Years Old
One time at H&M, the escalators were out and I had to walk upstairs. I was nearly trampled to death by a packing of squealing 14-year-old girls. I still came away with a top that (tastefully!) showed my once-young and never-pert breasts, but I also came away with the sad knowledge that you can be too old for a store, and that this day was approaching my quickly.
11. I Could Wear Pleather Pants
If I was shopping online at home, I'd giggle my way past any number of potential fashion atrocities, but something about the way they are display at H&M, or maybe it's the lighting. Perhaps it's just seeing them in real life that makes them suddenly seem within grasp, because literally they are. I would be lying if I hadn't appraised myself in some new duds and been like, "Who knew high-rise mesh shorts could be so flattering?!"
12. This Dress Has Changed My Life!
Every so often you find The Perfect Dress. For that wedding of a co-worker, that random dinner with your friends where you feel like looking effortlessly awesome, or that OKCupid first date you arranged at lunchtime. It's like the sea of products parts to reveal unto you the perfect under-$50 dress that looks and fits like was made for you. This is the H&M equivalent of a touchdown.
13. I Really Need to Up My Romper Game
Seriously though, this is never a thought I have unless I am at H&M. But it always happens there: I look around, think I've spotted a cute long tunic or a cut mini-dress, and it is always, always a romper. And I always, always consider buying it. Sometimes if it's cheap enough, I even cave and buy it, even though the idea of having to strip bare-assed to pee at a bar fills me with horror.This is why I have a whole "accidentally-purchased romper" section in my armoire.
14. That Bitch Better Not Be My Size
Outside the shopping arena, you are a very decent, generous, and sharing person. But once you walk through the glass doors of your crowded neighborhood H&M, all bets are off. Suddenly, things are all the Old West, and you've never let anyone who reached for the same bias-cut, faux-leather jacket live to the tell the tale. Your eyes tell a story, and that story is murder*.
*Okay, not "murder" but definitely "ripping the last medium top from another person's hands because you saw it first". Your eyes do tell that tale.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy(5)