Everyday, you pee. I am sorry if I've made you blush, but let's not beat around the bush (see what I did there, ladies?): You put liquids out, and then they come out of your lower half, all hot and stinky. That is just how science works. I went to medical school (no, I didn't) so I would know (no, I wouldn't.) I get you pee-ers out there. You trundle out of bed first thing in the morning and make haste to the loo to gleefully empty your bladders. Maybe you do it in the shower (oh shut up, yes, you do), maybe you follow up with some pooping, or maybe not. Either way, one thing is certain – you pee and when you are done peeing, of this you can be sure: you will surely pee again.
When you are done peeing, you probably flush your pee because you don't realize that, rather than waste this liquid gold, you can utilize it for a million and one other things. Sure, we no longer live in the dark ages and there's indoor plumbing all over the place, but why limit yourself when you there are so many other useful ways you can use your personal waste. Here are 9 surprising ways you can use your pee:
1. Toying With Your Enemies
Do you have enemies? I certainly do! A fun thing to do is to store your urine in a large bucket out of doors in the hopes that your enemies will mistake it for a bowl of washing water. If they are not convinced, it is also acceptable to hurl it at them while laughing maniacally.
2. Whiten Your Teeth
Did you know in ancient Rome those guys used urine to whiten their teeth?! I can think of nothing worse than intentionally gargling urine for purposes of vanity. Except, you know, chewing on poop? I've made myself sick and also managed to put myself off of chocolate for a while. NICE JOB, ME.
3. Clean Things
Your pee smells like ammonia (yours does; mine smells like roses.) You know what ammonia is used for? To clean things! It's a totally powerful cleaning agent, one you usually pay for in stores. Now you can squander all your riches on white wine and booty shorts and just wash your floors with urine. Don't say I never taught you anything.
4. Explode Things
Back in the day when potassium nitrate was in short supply, gunpowder makers relief on the loads of the stuff that occurred naturally in their urine. Forget rubbing salt in the wound; people getting shot were also suffering the indignity of pee getting in their wounds. Do not try to ignite your pee at home. This is a bad idea for roughly eight million reasons.
5. Dye Things
Yellow clothing was in high demand back in the day. Sadly, the best way of getting your clothes that glorious shade involved utilizing the urine your mama (and also more realistically the ale you drank) gave you to dye your threads to your desired shade. This should go without saying, but don't pee on your dog to try and make it look like Yoda.
6. Health Supplement
This one is highly suspect, but here's the rumor: Madonna claims that peeing on her athletes' foot cured her ailment, and Ghandi used to drink urine e'eryday to bolster his health. As I am from the "better out than in" school of healthcare, I am going to just stick with like, coffee, or a bracing herbal tea with rose hips when it comes to new-fangled tinctures. But if you're bolder than I am, go forth and sip away.
7. Make Some Cheese
True cheese aficionados swear by adding a smack o' the piss to their cheeses saying it makes for a pungent and unforgettable flavor. I am going to go ahead and beg to differ seeing as how saying "someone really peed in the cheese" sounds like a fun and colorful expression best used to indicate that someone has ruined something.
8. Mark Your Territory
If it works for dogs, it could work for you! No, but seriously – my mom's friend was having trouble with deer encroaching into her yard and eating all the bulk of her garden until she started tossing her own pee out there. The deer were either horrified and disgusted by this crazy person flinging pee about, or they got the message that this was not their place. Either way, really!
9. Wash Your Hair
Urine can break down grease and make hair nice and shiny! You know what else can do that? Shampoo. That did not come from one of you nether-holes and comes in a wide variety of colors and odors that will not remind you of a public bathroom. But I mean, do you.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (5)