The 6 Hardest Things About Being A Super Competitive Woman (But It's Still So Awesome To Be One)

As an aggressively competitive woman, my likes and dislikes can be distilled very simply down to two things: I like winning, and I don't like losing. Everything else is peripheral, for instance the question of if I like Scrabble boils down to a second question: Am I currently winning at Scrabble? Yes, of course I am, duh, so ergo, I like Scrabble. If I were hypothetically losing at Scrabble (LOL forever, as if), I would not like Scrabble. It doesn't matter what I think of Scrabble personally, all that I need to like Scrabble is to be good at Scrabble. And so on and so forth with everything in existence.

Competitive people get a really bad rap. For women especially, the burning, consumptive desire to win is perceived as unladylike. Seeing everything you put your mind to (whether it's cooking dinner in the kitchen alone or closing a sale at work) as an opposition that needs to be dominated is not within the arbitrary proprietary range of the woman. The woman is pleasant and agreeable and dignified in failure. Except for when she's a bullheaded, boss of her own damn self, crazy bitch who will DESTROY you in Buck Hunter, you miserable piece of garbage. Sorry, I got carried a way for a minute there.

The truth is, there is nothing wrong with being competitive. You know who is competitive? Beyoncé is competitive. If you listen to the sound bite at the start of "Flawless", you'll learn that when Bey was 9 years old, she lost once. Once. Beyoncé lost once, and then she never lost again. She hated losing so much that she vowed she'd never do it again, and now she's the wind beneath our wings, the proudly bossy, tirelessly hardworking, demanding, other-worldly Goddess the world bows down to. So being a competitive woman is not a bad thing at all. That said, there are a lot of challenges for the competitively minded among us.

1. WINNING ALL THE TIME

Do you seriously think it's EASY to just win all the time? Winning takes hard work and discipline, and when you hate losing/being bad at stuff, you have to devote a lot of time and energy to being the best at everything. It's not like we're just sitting around, relaxing in mediocrity. No, we're constantly discovering blind spots in our wealth of knowledge and ability and we're always working towards a clear 360 view.

2. LOSING WITH DIGNITY

Probably the hardest thing for a truly competitive person is to lose with style. I'll be the first to admit: I am a sore, sore loser. I have never lost and also retained my dignity. If such a feat occurred it would be so epic it would rip a hole in the space time continuum, so unnatural and unholy would it be. THIS IS WHY WE RELENTLESSLY FOCUS ON WINNING, BECAUSE LOSING FUCKING SUCKS.

3. NOT BEING A SMUG WINNER

The flip side to not being a sore loser is not being a smug winner, but what's the point of winning if you can't celebrate yourself and rub how good you are in everyone's faces (seriously, there should be an Aladdin "Prince Ali" style parade every time you win)? THAT'S THE BEST PART! But if you want to be invited to play next time, you have to reign in the smarmy winner stuff. No one really likes a winner to begin with, and everyone really hates an asshole winner.

4. NOT PISSING OFF YOUR FRIENDS

This follows on from not being a smug jerk when you win. It can be equally as hard to not make every casual game or situation a hardcore competition. Sometimes your friends just want to chill and play a "friendly" match of something, or have a discussion without you needing to correct every little thing. And while you might not understand their nonchalant attitude to the results of game night, as challenging as it may be, it's probably better to not try and incite them into your competitive stupor by calling them all "whiny maggots" (have done.)

5. AVOIDING TOTALLY EMASCULATING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

I think my boyfriend has come to terms with the fact that I will always whoop his ass at shuffle board (and most other competitive things that don't involve upper body strength), as any sane man would. He's actually pretty proud to have such an incredibly talented girlfriend (as he should be!) But sometimes a man can feel emasculated by a woman who wins. The trick is to avoid these men, or otherwise just don't be a total wang about it every time you beat them by saying things like "How does it feel to lose to a girl?" That's actually a really reductive thing to say. A better heckle would be "How does it feel to lose to your awesome, brilliant equal?" Also, never, EVER let a man win just so he can feel better about his dick (wait, I don't know if that's good advice or not. I'm so competitive that I really can't tell.)

6. NEVER SAYING DIE

I once had a boss who said to me, "If you only ever say things you know are right, you will never be wrong," which I think is the mantra of the competitive person. If there's a battle we think we can't win, we'll bide our time, rally our forces, and then attack from nowhere. Even if it is just bar trivia. If we can't do it the first time, by golly are we going to come back when we can. A competitive person is relentless, and won't ever stop trying until they reach perfection.

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