Your Wine Horoscope: What Your Favorite Wine Says About Your Personality
“I’ll have a Pinot Grigio,” I told a bartender recently, before catching myself mid-sentence and correcting myself. “No, actually, I’ll take a look at the menu.”
The thing is, though Pinot Grigio is not My Favorite Wine Of All Time, it was the wine I defaulted to over and over when out at a bar. It had become the groove into which I fit comfortably, even though it meant tragically sharing a wine routine with human trash compactor Ramona Singer. And it was time to either shake up that routine, or accept the fact that my default wine meant something about who I was as a person.
Everyone, if they're being honest, has a go-to wine. You’ve probably started scanning for it on wine lists without even realizing it, so comfortable in the choice, as it aligns perfectly with your personality. (Even if you don’t realize it.) The various varietals are like our children, and, much like the bleak 50s housewife you become after several glasses of Chardonnay, you definitely have a favorite child. But what does your favorite wine say about you?
Let's find out (over a glass of light red to ring in the early days of fall).
You are the classy person at the party – you read books, you post on social media about reading books so that everyone knows you read them, and you look great in a sweater. You go for a glass of red while everyone else is on a beer, because it's the drink of thoughtful people, despite it being not refreshing or crisp in the least. You also call it Cab Sav, because you and that wine are on a nickname basis.
Look, yes – you are basic. But honestly, I am jealous of this kind of basic! A glass of rosé is a thing of pure joy, a glass full of summer that makes any activity immediately feel like a celebration. You have a weakness for Pinterest-y art directed photos of macarons and coffee, Parisian bistro awnings, and DIY weddings that take place in a barn. And more power to you! We should all be so lucky to have such a command of colored paper lanterns and baby pink wine.
You're either an overworked mom now, or you are destined to be one. If you haven't started already, you will one day be posting memes about how it is Wine O' Clock on Facebook, without fail, Thursdays at 5PM. You will probably name your daughter Madison or Kayleigh, and your son Aiden or Cody.
You are not the Overworked Chardonnay Mom, you are the Downtown Cool Mom (or, as stated above, destined to be one). You are into trendy food, workout clothes that don't make you look like you've given up on life, and getting a couple glasses of wine drunk before going out dancing because yOu'Ve sTiLL gOt It! Pinot is the less obvious choice, and that's kind of what you pride yourself on in life, despite still having a fundamentally Mom-ish and basic core.
You are here for the party!!! Your Instagram is about ~the finer things in life~, you are always looking for a reason to celebrate, and you have gone on more than one drunken, honestly kind of sloppy tirade about how "champagne is the best drink because you just get tipsy and happy!"
You are the low-rent hipster version of Champagne Girl. You have probably taken at least one #ironic Polaroid of you in a classy outfit and/or fur coat, holding a bottle of André and talking about how fancy you are. You oscillate between love and hate with André, because it is both clearly not classy, but also the classiest of the trash drinks, as it is technically sparkling wine. Also, you're probably 20 years old and there is no chance you are in a STEM major.
The Heaviest Bordeaux On The Menu
The wine list is an opportunity for you to put your proverbial dick on the table, and show everyone that you are not opposed to a wine that will dry out your mouth like someone put a handful of sand in it. In fact, that's your favorite -- and a huge part of that stems from seeing how much trouble everyone else has with it. Those people are weak, not ~connoisseurs~ like yourself.
You probably have an ankle tattoo that means "peace" or "strength," and you think French manicures look elegant. You generally separate your favorite wines into either "red" "white" or "that yummy pink wine," and you have gotten into a fight with the manager of a Fashion Bug at least once.
You are just entering your Professional 20s so you need to upgrade from the Tragically Cheap Wines to the Charmingly Cheap Wines, and are a total sucker for their excellent branding. You love a nice bottle of Cupcake wine with some sinful desserts and/or pizza and a few of your best girlfriends over to watch Love, Actually and talk about your respective relationship prospects. You are definitely a Charlotte.
Chilean and/or Australian Wine
One of your favorite hobbies is telling people about how great and underrated and upcoming Chilean and/or Australian wines all, while your drinking partner tries not to fall asleep.