The Tinder Premium Features You'd Pay For Are Under Wraps, But I Have Some Ideas

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Matchmaker, matchmaker, make you some dough. At the Forbes Under 30 Summit this week, Sean Rad, co-founder of Tinder, announced the app will introduce paid premium features in November. Details were vague, but Rad said that the upgrades will offer things Tinder users have requested "for a very long time," and seemed confident that people would be willing to pay the price.

But fear not, ye Tinder trolls and late-night conquistadors, the core location-based app will remain free, which I think is something we can all swipe right on. It seems like Rad is making a grabs outside of the dating market with the mysterious upgrades. He hinted that many of them would make "Tinder hacks" users have notified the team about available to users, elaborating to say that many people are using Tinder for business networking, asking for recommendations from locals while out of town, and promoting musicians and artists.

Can I just say that all of those things just sound like euphemisms for sex? Come on. Asking for recommendations for locals? We've got Yelp for that. Business networking? Who the hell wants to do networking on an app where you find dick pics with regularity? And as for the musicians? If you see a dude with a guitar on Tinder, I'll put my bet that it's less of a promotion of his art and more of a promotion of the fact that he knows how to play a guitar.

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Without any answers, let me tell you my head is reeling with ideas for these upgrades. Hey, Tinder team! In case you haven't locked all of them down just yet, I have a few ideas for you.

A pick-up lines filter: An scan for key words that automatically deletes messages with the words "baby," "angel," "heaven," "sexy," and "live with my mom."

An excuse generator: Sometimes you're feeling too nice, and sometimes you're just not creative enough. The excuse generator would simply churn out a great reason for not wanting to make out, hook up, or go for a drink. Because "I already put on sweatpants" isn't necessarily a viable excuse.

Automatic left wipe for shirtless pics: Let's be real. Shirtless pics are fantastic to look at, but you don't actually want to go out with one of these dudes. My initial idea for this feature was called the "Douche Incinerator," but I'm open to suggestions.

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