It's no secret that reality stars are champion drinkers. If they weren't, where would all of the lovely unscripted television come from? If we're thinking a bit deeper about personalities and how they match to adult beverages, I have a rather fruitful discussion question: If reality stars were wine, what kind of wine would they be?
Like a complex wine, a reality TV show must be savored and appreciated. Their stars have traits that can be translated to matching vintages, giving us the perfect boozepairing for the person's screen time. While Nene Leakes' wine has notes of cold hard cash and unpredictability, Lisa Vanderpump's wine is clearly as pink as the rest of her life. Some stars like to sip their wine and discuss the intricacies of the bouquet. Others prefer boxed wine, prioritizing quantity over all else. You may be mildly allergic to some of these stars, just like some wines, leading you to take a breather from consuming their shows. However, it’s only a matter of time before you throw in the towel and start watching/drinking them again, saying "Bottoms up!"
So, slap the Franzia bag, or swill your $17 wine that tastes just like Charles Shaw — here’s your definitive guide to the wine counterparts of reality stars.
Lisa Vanderpump — Rosé Champagne
Lisa Vanderpump likes her alcoholic beverages like she likes everything else in her life: pink and stiff. Thus, a less-fruity rosé champagne is the obvious choice for her wine pairing with virtually any meal.
NeNe Leakes — Moét & Chandon
Leakes makes no bones about the fact that she's got bennies flying out of every orifice. Her natural choice of wine would be Moét & Chandon, reflecting her high net worth, and announcing its entrance into every room with a loud noise.
Caroline Manzo — Table Chianti
Caroline Manzo isn't just any chianti. She's the kind with the rustic Italian basket-weave on the bottom of the bottle. Robust, comforting, and sometimes nauseating after large meal, this is the kind of wine for those whose families are thick as thieves. Plus, she totally has a collection of these bottles displayed in her kitchen.
Sonja Morgan — Arbor Mist (any varietal)
Arbor Mist is just Sonja Morgan, drunk aunt incarnate. It's the kind of cloyingly sweet beverage that signifies "party time" for housewives, which Sonja has turned into a brand. Well, ya know, at least in her own mind.
Brandi Glanville — Franzia Sweet Chardonnay
Brandi Glanville is just like us. She orders the house wine, and slaps the bag. For her, any wine is good wine. Clearly, she's a Franzia Sweet Chardonnay girl. It's light, it satisfies a sweet tooth, and there's plenty to go around.
Lauren Conrad — Cupcake Prosecco
Conrad is totally the kind of girl who chooses her wine judging by the packaging and the name. Also, she likely fancies herself a cosmopolitan, so prosecco is a natural choice for her. Also, she tastes just like the Trader Joe's prosecco, but for some reason she's $5 more expensive.
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino — Yago Sangria
Yep. As Yago sangria, Mike "The Situation" is clearly the kind of party wine you OD'd on in college. It's horribly syrupy, there's A LOT of it in one bottle, and it may give you a sugar rash at the end of the night.
Kim Zolciak — Yellow Tail Moscato
My guess is that the former Real Housewives of Atlanta star likes her dessert wines with dinner. After all, she does have her own line of moscato. Plus, something tells me that she enjoys wine that smells like drug store perfume.
Scott Disick — Dom Perignón
Like Dom Perignon, Disick is ostentatious, self consciously high-brow, and pops off at random. If The Lord could bathe in the tippy-top shelf champagne, he would do so with aplomb, and probably take a slew of Instagram pictures for the world to see. Actually, I'm not discounting the reality of this occurring at some point in the future.
Tamra Barney — "Sutter Home" Sauvignon Blanc
Obviously this OC Housewife is a white wine drinker — potentially even a spritzer person — but nobody can call her sweet. Thus, a more brut white wine like Sauvignon Blanc is likely up her alley. With her lack of pretense, she's totally a Sutter Home lady.
Scheana Marie from Vanderpump Rules — Barefoot Riesling
Come on. Schaena is a girl who loves fruity wines. I knew that the first time I saw her dance on a table at SUR.
Ramona Singer — Pinot Grigio
Ramona Singer would likely be happiest in this world on a constant pinot grigio drip. Thus, it's common knowledge that her spirit wine is pinot grigio. Like her pinot, she's light yet acidic, and can easily be consumed in excessive quantities before you realize that you've had too much.
Happy drinking, everyone!