If Breakfast Foods Were People You've Dated

The best thing about being a grown up, as we all know, is being able to have breakfast for whichever meal you damn well please. Breakfast for breakfast, breakfast for brunch, breakfast for lunch, breakfast for snack, breakfast for dinner, breakfast for dessert. Breakfast, needless to say, is the most important meal of the day, not because of energy and health, blah, blah, blah, but because breakfast food is the yummiest kind of food there is. That being the status quo, breakfast all day is probably the main motivation anyone has when it comes to going into adulthood willingly.

Given that we (or maybe just me, who knows) have such a love affair with breakfast, it follows that our favorite types of breakfast foods could be seen as people we've dated. I don't know about you, but it's not like I've never talked to a bagel before. I like to personify my food. Every bite becomes a personal experience. Yes, of course there is a chance that I am a bit mad, but I'm also happily eating a full English breakfast for lunch, so I'm definitely not completely insane, and also probably beating whatever stupid lunch thing you're having right now. Anyway, here are some amazing breakfast foods, and who they would be if they were people you've dated:


Cereal is the most reliable significant other you ever had. Cereal never snuck out in the middle of the night and was always spooning you when you'd wake up in the morning. Cereal was whatever you wanted cereal to be. He or she was always meeting your needs and adapting themselves to suit your needs. Unfortunately, having cereal all the time made you feel a bit restless, and left you wondering if there might be more interesting, challenging people out there. You left cereal knowing full well you could always go back if you needed to.


Sausage, egg and cheese is the grease ball you can't resist. Every Monday you'd tell yourself you weren't going to see SE&C again, but by the time Friday would roll around, you'd be hungering for your early Saturday morning fix. You always knew SE&C was bad for you, but they were just so delicious when you were with them there was no denying your addiction to their flavor. Despite the fact that they'd leave you lonely during the work week, you'd always return to them like a hungry puppy on the weekends.


Toast was your winter love. Easy, comfortable, and someone you could sit around on the couch with in your sweats binge watching TV with for days on end, toast was perfect for hibernating with. However, when spring rolled around, you probably realized toast was pretty bland, and off the couch and away from the TV, the two of you didn't really have all that much to talk about.


There was something very romantic about pancakes – but that was it. You always fantasized about pancakes, but nothing ever happened between you. You'd never choose pancakes in a pinch. You had your chances, sure. Pancakes would always flirt with you when you were at parties together, but you'd always end up going home with someone else in the end, most likely sausage, egg and cheese. Pancakes will always be that wish that you never fulfilled, and that you'd never admit was because deep down, you didn't really want to.


Bacon and eggs was your traditional person, and maybe still is. They're the one who makes you feel full, like your best, strongest, most nourished self. They're simple, easy to get along with, and together you're always happy. Maybe bacon and eggs is the one. Or the one that got away, whom you'll never really be able to get over. Your love for bacon and eggs is pure and easy, and even though what you have is so simple, there's enough excitement and possible combinations for adventure that you're never bored. Bacon and eggs feels like home.


This person was the best. They were great under any circumstances, and you definitely had an intellectual relationship that involved lots of nooks in cozy city cafes drinking coffee and talking about life and art. Cream cheese bagel was cool, calm, collected, and always knew the coolest underground comedy clubs and dives with live jazz. It was a love affair you'll never forget, but one that had to end because at the end of the day, CCB was a little bit of an artsy fartsy trust fund narcissist that didn't always have your best interests at heart, or even an interest in your true self. Yeah, that took a turn.


You'd devour breakfast burrito at your lowest points. They were the call you always made when you were feeling low. And for the brief moments you were together, they made you feel genuinely better. But afterwards, when they left and you were alone again (because breakfast burrito didn't care about you; they just wanted to be in you and loved the havoc that caused), you'd always feel worse than when you did when you were motivated to call them. You only kept going back because the highs were so, so good, you could rationalized the intense, post-coital lows.


Remember when you went on that health kick where all you ate was kale and you went to the gym every day? Granola & yogurt is the cute person you met on that ill-advised yoga retreat. You were taken with G&Y because you imagined you could be this better, strong, faster, healthier version of yourself with them as your spiritual guide. But when they made you flirt with veganism, everything began to come undone, and you realized becoming someone else wasn't going to fix your deeper issues. Once you decided to stop running from yourself, you let G&Y go, because they were just a Band-Aid for something that needed a bigger fix. Namaste.


We all have a first love. The one that's so irrational it doesn't make any sense to anyone but you. The one that's reckless, crazy, and that you'd do anything for. It was you two against the world. You fought with each other as hard as you loved each other, and nothing, not even common sense, disapproval and judgement from others or distance could keep you apart. That love was cold leftover pizza.

Images: Nana B Agyei/Flickr; Giphy(5)