Kanye West is the new PR representative for Kim Kardashian. At least, that's what some folks are reporting as fact these days. And while we try to get some semblance of a confirmation or denial (har har har, riiiiight) from the family that E! built I, for one, pray to the supreme Lord Ruler of Celebrity seated jauntily atop Shit Mountain that this is true. Why you ask? Well, duh, it seems pretty obvious to me: the combining forces of West's already absurd PR-minded antics, plus the obsessive celebriscope of the Kardashian Klan? Be still my trainwreck-loving heart.
Kanye has never been one to take the quiet, just-let-it-fade-away style of managing the press. I don't think I need to really go through all of the ways in which this is true, either — I'll just say "of all time!" and leave it at that. But now, you see, the game's been upped: with the notoriety and perma-documented life of a Kardashian under his helm (and the most popular one at that!), there's no end to the speculation and obsession he'll get to volley. It's certain to be an unending, overwhelming task at first. Which is why we've taken the liberty to bring you these totally ~exclusive~ and completely legitimate (in that totally fake, completely made up sense of the word) Kanye-approved, Kardashian-Karried-Out PR stunts. Just to get the ball rolling, natch!
1.) Kim and Kanye Publicly Unveil North West in Performance Art Piece
Kanye is all about art these days, and proving that he is The Voice of all things genius and artistic, so what better way to do that than in a provocative performance art piece? Perhaps taking place in the courtyard of the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, Kim and baby — in matching black unitards, because art stuff — could parade around Urban Light, the entry-way installation from artist Chris Burden. Kim could hold North up to the sky, Simba-style, while daddy Kanye raps one of his latest tracks via projections on the building. It'll be a pastiche and also show the media that you and your family are the urban light, the way, the truth. It could be a commentary about celebrities hiding in plain view, or something.
2.) Kim's New Playboy Spread: An Homage to Architecture
So Kim wants to do Playboy again. Or something naked. She wants to be naked. That post-baby bod (ugh) ain't gonna flaunt itself, y'all! (Double ugh.) So, under the tutelage of West, perhaps Kim could use this time to make a grand statement. Perhaps it would be a great opportunity to produce a visual commentary on the commodification of celebrity. I mean, a celebrity body is not a real human body (especially not a lady's!) anyway, it's just a thing created for mass consumption. Let's turn Kim into a naked version of that Le Corbusier lamp that inspired Yeezus. Boom. Brilliant.
3.) Be Vigilantes for Justice!
If there's one thing we know to be true, Kanye West gets downright butthurt over anything he perceives to be unfair when it comes to how great and wonderful and ~uniquely original and groundbreaking~ he is like ALL of the time. And Kim Kardashian is like, totally justified in her fame (she's so totally famous for a reason, just don't ask her what that reason is because you'll be exhausted by the way they dance around the real answer: sex tape). So next time someone claims that Kim and Ko.'s fame is not fairly earned, Kanye West PR should suggest that any and all interview questions be coded with the message of justice. Because fair is fair and if you're not being fair to Kanye and his brood, you're not being fair to genius or creativity or music or the future.
4.) Have Kim Record Another Song
Art is art. And if the audience perceives it to be bad art, that's not because the artist is bad, oh no no: it's because you're missing the point. It's a commentary! Duh. So why not bring Kim into the fold of Kanye's world and revive that music career of hers. It did so well the first time.
5.) Insist on Honesty at All Times
It's practically required for PR people to be really, really great truth manipulators. It's not a drug problem, it's "exhaustion." It's not a pregnancy scare it's "too many burritos for lunch." It's not a flop, it's just "a cult classic in the making." If we made people think that celebrities were just regular people that regular, shitty things happen to, the allure would be defeated and the fourth wall will go all a-tumble. So! What would be truly revolutionary is for West to demand that Kardashian stay in the way of truth at all times. That would be, in all honesty, the most brilliant public relations move that could be made at all.
Kim, your career is in great hands. Whatever you do, just know this: Kanye West is always right, so follow him blindly and you, too, can be the genius that you were born to be.