Is Celine Dion Passing the Vegas Torch to Britney?

OK, you guys. So the long-rumored entertainment extravaganza — a Britney Spears Vegas stage show — may, in fact, be happening. In an email sent to employees of several Las Vegas strip hotels requesting their attendance for a "major event," the floodgates of speculation were opened. Über-fansite for all things B, Breathe Heavy, ties the two things together for us, noting that Spears' show — at Planet Hollywood — is has been a long time coming, and reported upon by many, many major outlets. I think it's safe to squee, America: your teen queen all-growed-up is finally settling down.

I mean, sure: it may just be a meatball shop. But I think we all know that Spears isn't one for tiny career moves, and nothing about her Louisiana upbringing suggests that she'd have any natural affiliation with such an endeavor outside of it being a totally adorable (and delicious!) tie-in to something larger. Meat, moves, and merriment: there's much to be excited about once September 17 rolls around.

But here's my question: what does Celine Dion, Vegas's biggest queen, have to say about all of this? Is she ready to pass the torch, arms outstretched, stoically chest-beating as she brings Britney into the fold? Will Elton John be there? (Can Elton John just be everywhere all the time?) We endeavored* to find out. Straight from the horse's mouth**.

My dearest, most loveliest Britney,

Hello. My name is Celine Dion, and I am — what you say — a music legend. Oh yes, sweetheart, I was singing the sinking passengers of the Titanic to their deaths before your Mickey Mouse Club ears had even a chance at being dry-cleaned. I've won Grammy Awards and have made beautiful music with many a legend. Plus, I have a wonderful marriage and a delightful young child. I have, you might say, it all!

But that is neither here nor there, of course. Right now, today, is about you, Britney. I heard that your planned Las Vegas residency at Planet Hollywood is about to be announced! That is, how you say, très excitant! I am rooting for you, you have very pretty blonde hair. But I must confess, when I heard about all of this, I was very jealous.

It's true! I know what you're thinking. How is this at all possible, Celine? You are the voice of an entire nation, an iconic songstress undoubtedly destined for career longevity long after my physical being leaves this earth. And to that I say: I know! But crazy things happen every day, do they not?

Sometimes even the biggest, most iconic, most revered and beloved of Canadian megastars can get jealous. I am but only a human (at least half of the time), so I know this to be true.

But still, I want you to know that I am 100% in your corner, Britney. You have had a tough life, towed a long road, and you deserve success and praise for how you soldier on each and every day! You are a survivor, and us survivors must always stick together! Especially in Vegas, since whatever happens there, does not, how you say, stay there when it comes to us. But chin up! I am here for you.

I bring you lots of advice and things to make you happy, as only another diva can understand.

Ha! Ha! Look at how silly I can be. Isn't it fun? Isn't water hilarious? My face makes me smile with its goofy intentions. But the point is, my dear Brit-Brit (Can I call you that? My husband, René Angélil, says I have a knack for nickname-making!), to have fun and just be yourself. It's true! If you want to laugh, laugh. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to rock out, then really let your freak flag fly, as they say!

Just never forget who was there first, my dear, and you will go far! I wish you lots of success. And if that meatball shop doesn't work out, may I suggest trying your hand at poutine?


* By "endeavored" we mean completely made up.** We are in no way calling Celine Dion a horse.