October is by far the best month of the year. As L.M. Montgomery said in Anne of Green Gables, "I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers." Same, but for different reasons: because Halloween is my Olympics. And besides all the glory of costume crafting, going to haunted houses and painting pumpkins, the true delight of October is marathoning scary movies. My BFFs and I are averaging at least one a night. We of course have a deep appreciation for the classics and the greats — The Shining holds the crown for best, naturally— we also love to love "bad" scary movies. The creepy, campy and unintentionally hilarious horror movies are a true delight. It's tough to make a good scary movie, so you gotta give it up to any director that even tries. Here are some of the best, worst horror movies; be warned, this is not a universally definitive list, just my own personal bad favorites. But, not to brag, I do consider myself something of a connoisseur. Ranked from worst (as in, least bad) to best (aka so bad it's almost good).
#13: 'Carrie,' 2013
To be fair, this reboot of Carrie isn’t altogether horrible; it’s pretty decent when it stands alone. But it does not even hold a candle to the 1976 original, which is one of the best Stephen King film adaptations by far. The 2013 film was more sad that scary, and though Chloe Grace Moretz is a great actress, she just wasn’t troubled enough as Carrie White — and paled altogether to Sissy Spacek’s crazy eyes.
#12: 'The Last Exorcism,' 2010
OK, this movie isn’t that bad. But it’s on my list because almost nothing happens until the last 20 minutes when there’s a blowout cult ceremony, which is brutal and great, but where was all that for the first hour and change? Cheated.
#11: 'The Haunting,' 1999
Another unfortunate remake, the 1999 version of ‘The Haunting’ is a poor homage to the original 1963 film. Not even Liam Neeson and Catherine Zeta-Jones could save it. It’s just too over the top, although the visual effects are pretty cool — someone gets mutilated by a snapped piano chord. Pretty tight.
#10: 'Halloween II,' 2009
Rob Zombie… you know what? Grow up, you nasty. I love gore in horror films, but this sequel was just TOO disgusting.
#9: 'Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2,' 2000
Whyyy try and follow up great horror movies with horrible sequels? The Blair Witch Project was one of the best scary movies that introduced a new style of handheld horror, causing people to literally throw up in theaters. But this followup flopped, and was a bit too meta: the plot is about a bunch of kids that saw the Blair Witch Project. Also the name reminds me of National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets.
#8: 'Dreamcatcher,' 2005
Lamprey poop worms in a cabin in the woods... Need I say more?
#7: 'Ghost Ship,' 2002
You’d think what’s essentially a horror version of Titanic would be great, but it sure ain’t. Saving grace-ish: the flashback scenes are not bad!
#6: 'Anaconda,' 1997
My anaconda don’t wanna dislike this movie, but I have no choice. It had all the elements for goodness: evil monster snake, Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube. But it’s too cheesy, and somehow not cheesy enough to be campy.
#5: 'House of Wax,' 2005
Chad Michael Murray is just not fit to be in a horror film, no matter how hard he tries. Paris Hilton is in this though, so it’s worth a watch just for that. The premise is all right: people being trapped to be made into wax sculptures, and lots of weird wax gore. And teen sex, naturally?
#4: 'The Happening,' 2008
Evil plants is not a compelling twist, M. Night. Just write us another She’s All That.
Image: 20th Century Fox
#3: 'I Know Who Killed Me,' 2007
More like I Know Who Killed My Career (bah-dum-ch). OK but really, this movie with Lindsay Lohan is not only a sad excuse for a thriller, but it’s really confusing. She’s twins? Or a stripper? Questions abound.
#2: 'Leprechaun: In the Hood,' 2000
Does not the first line of the Wiki plot summary for this movie say it all? “Los Angeles rap artists Postmaster P. (Anthony Montgomery), Stray Bullet (Rashaan Nall) and Butch (Red Grant) accidentally free a Leprechaun that was imprisoned by record producer Mac Daddy O’Nassas (Ice-T) 20 years earlier.” K.
#1: 'Wicker Man,' 2006
Truly the Father, Son and Holy Ghost of horrible movies. It’s perhaps the greatest definition of “So Bad It’s Good” films of all time. Nicolas Cage, you are such a treasure. Also, BEES?! This film is close to my heart.