Some nail trends, I totally get. Your nails looks super cute. Others trends? Not so much. I have seen women on the street who I was sure must be professional villains based on the weapons their cuticles were packing. But no, they were not unmasked vigilantes. They were just too on trend for me to even understand. And this coming from someone who once willingly wore Oakleys. Really, anything that involves gluing, stapling, or punching holes in your nails is beyond me. I mean, I had a acrylics for a year in college (it was a dark time; I also wore lace pants) but even that relatively tame foray into the world of nail artistry was more than I could handle. Eventually, I gnawed them off my hands, like a rat would its leg when caught in a trap.
Pain equaling beauty is not a foreign concept to me: I own at least three pair of shoes that have drawn my own blood, and once got a rash from a pair of Spanx. I have merrily done my fair share of foolery in the name of our society's borked idea of what beautiful is at any given time. But these 7 nail trends are cool for officially no one. They impractical, ugly, vicious, or at their worst, a terrible combination of all three. Verily, a trifecta of awful. Behold.
This is like flipping over Marie Antoinette's wig and seeing the lice infested horsehair pads that make the whole horrible mess possible. I feel like the only excuse for having massive hunks of metal extending from your hands is that you are Wolverine. I can say with 99% confidence that no one reading this is Wolverine.
I don't have an issue with French manicures, as it were – I have an issue with the name. There is nothing French about this look. They should just call this the pink-and-white manicure. If they want a manicure to be called French, then it should feature tiny three-dimensional berets and possibly real baguette chunks affixed to thumbs.
It's one thing to cele-mock (totally a thing) the Yuletide season by wearing an ugly Christmas sweater, it is quite another to rock an ugly sweater nail look. At least with an ugly sweater, you can easily rid yourself of the garment which is not as easily done with this ornate look. Just keep the nails simple and don a pair of felt reindeer ears, that's what I say.
Pretty Sure That's Illegal
I do not care how rich you are, if you show me your manicure and it prominently features ripped up bits of U.S. currency, I will probably slap you right in the mouth for being all at once impractical about money and also for having terrible, terrible taste. I will probably wind up slapping you so hard that you will require a full set of fake teeth. You, in turn, will think it's a good idea to get a pair of wooden teeth, like your hero George Washington. Bad. BAD.
Sure, these are strangely beautiful, in a very high fashion way. But take, if you will, a minute to think about what picking your nose would entail, or, heaven forbid, removing a tampon. If your goal in wearing these pieces of art is to shred all you come across, then I support that. But if your day to day life includes things like using the bathroom, typing, or touching babies, then this simply will not work.
The beautiful henna work here distracts from the sheer, blinding whiteness of these nails. It's a stylish look in this instance, but all I know is that if I woke up with these nails and decided to go make myself breakfast, my roommate would be likely to spray me with a water bottle, having confused me with one of our long-nailed and counter-loving cats. Like them, I cannot be tamed.
If it looks like your manicure is festering with living insects, or that it could popped and reveal streams of pus, then maybe it is a manicure that you should rethink in favor of, you know, ANY OTHER POSSIBLE MANICURE OUT THERE.
Images: Getty Images; @nailedxlucy/Instagram; @nailart__19/Instagram; @_brun_blonde/Instagram