As someone who works from home, I spend a lot of quality time with myself. For the most part, it’s awesome. I am the ruler of the my apartment, utterly omnipotent and fearless. I can eat whenever I want, wherever I want. I can leave an infinite amount of half-filled glasses of seltzer and cans of Redbull on any flat surface without getting crap from anyone. I can listen to Kesha and not be judged. I can do a lot of things, including being weird or gross. And I know I'm not alone in my shameless enjoyment of any of that.
The truth is that we ALL do embarrassing things when we’re by ourselves because we naturally embarrassing, disgusting humans. Thank god we have society and all to keep us in line. Here are just a few things most of us (ADMIT IT) do at home when we know nobody will see us and dump us forever:
1. Run your fingers through your unwashed hair all day long, impressed with yourself with just how much oil your skull has produced. Good job, skull.
2. Take at least 80 selfies without your makeup on to see if you can pull off the I’m Not Wearing Makeup But I Still Look Fresh As Hell no-makeup selfie.
3. Not only dance in front of the mirror, but practice that move where you ~DrOp it LoW GuRl~ and fail miserably, falling over on the floor.
4. Give the inside of your ear a good scratch with your index finger, wipe away the earwax on the couch or something.
5. Sniff your bras to see if it’s time to wash them.
6. Pull a plate out of the sink and use it even though it’s a little dirty, because there are no plates left and thought of doing dishes makes your want to vom.
7. Hate stalk and then indulge in your sadness when you see the people you despise doing exciting things.
8. Feel yourself up just for fun. Like, to investigate what all the fuss is all about.
9. Push your boobs together in front of the mirror to give yourself cleavage. So thaaat’s what it would look like. Hawt.
10. Take that finger that hasn’t been in your ear and go eat copious finger-scoops of Nutella or peanut butter with it.
11. Practice that dance from Slumdog Millionaire because it makes you really happy.
12. Scream at your laptop whenever there is an ad on Spotify, feel genuinely frustrated they would fuck up your music listening experience.
13. Go pee with the door open and let your cat sit on your lap because sometimes it’s better than peeing alone.
14. Fart and be genuinely astounded with how potent and stinky the smells coming out of your body can be sometimes.
15. Sing along really loudly to your favorite hip-hop or pop songs from the early 2000s like “What’s Luv” by Fat Joe and Ashanti.
16. Spend literally two hours organizing your Pinterest boards.
17. Debate an issue with yourself so that if someone DOES ask you about your stance on gluten or gun control you have the rhetoric down like a boss.
18. Listen to the same song on repeat for like, an hour.
19. Furiously chew on your cuticles. And then eat them like cannibal.
20. Watch scary airline landings and takeoffs on YouTube for an hour and scare yourself shitless.
21. Look your exes up on Facebook and snort audibly when you see they married someone ugly. Good work, buddy.
22. Drink prune juice when you’re backed up.
23. Sing in front of mirror to see if you would look sexy in a music video.
24. Exfoliate that super, super dry dead skin on your feet in the shower.
25. Let out an “Ahhh,” after taking a particularly satisfying poop.
Images: BrittanyBush/Flickr; Giphy(4)