Pizza Hut's New Menu Is Out of Control

As you may have heard by now, Pizza Hut is totally revamping its menu. In an effort to keep up with the changing times, the chain will soon be adding enough new pizza personalization options that it’ll make your head spin. Not only that, but they’re… exceptionally bizarre options, too. Sauces like Honey Sriracha and Creamy Garlic Parmesan. Pretzel, curry, and ginger crusts (although the curry and ginger ones are limited — they’ll be swapped regularly out for newer, more exciting options). Ingredients like Peruvian cherry peppers and little, tiny meatballs. Balsamic, buffalo, and barbecue sauce “drizzles” to add the finish touches to your creations. To be fair, the toppings actually aren’t all that strange; the sauces and crusts, though? I can say only this: What is this sorcery?

According to AP, the menu overhaul was announced on Monday; Pizza Hut will also be updating its logo and changing its employee uniforms. In addition to the new “build your own pizza” options, the chain will also begin offering 16 different artisan-style pizzas with names like “Cock-a-Doodle Bacon,” “Old Fashioned Meat Brawl,” and “Pretzel Piggy” (but fret not, Meat Lover and Stuffed Crust fans; the classics will remain, as well). I assume the end goal is for Pizza Hut to become the Chipotle of pizzas; of course, others have already done that, including Chipotle itself, but whatever. Needs must and all that. It's hoping it's "Flavor of the Now" philosophy will help reverse its eight quarter-long sales decline streak, so hoorah for innovation, right?

Obviously with all these new flavor options floating around, I couldn’t help but start imagining the weirdest pizzas I could possibly make with them. But because the menu itself hasn’t debuted yet — it won’t be available until November 19 — I had to get a little resourceful about it: By hunting down every source with even the tiniest mention of a new ingredient, I’ve come up with a rough idea of what I think the menu will be like (it helped that Eater has the full list of specialty pizzas the chain itself has dreamed up). So, in order from "not so bad" to "totally bonkers," I present the strangest pizzas I hope Pizza Hut’s new menu will allow me to unleash upon the world (muahahahahaha):

1. Italian Sub Pizza

Slow roasted ham, spinach, and banana peppers with fresh Roma tomatoes and red onions and garlic parmesan sauce, finished off with Asiago cheese crusted edges and a balsamic drizzle. Not too crazy, but worth a shot if you’re a fan of subs.

2. Curried Pretzel Pizza

Honey Sriracha sauce with pineapple, jalapenos, red onions, and grilled chicken on a pretzel crust finished off with whatever this “Get Curried Away” nonsense is. Add a balsamic drizzle for a little extra yuck.

3. The Mouth-Splosion

Buffalo, barbecue, and honey Sriracha sauces with jalapenos, cherry peppers, pepperoni, meatballs, bacon, and ham, finished off with honey Sriracha and red pepper crusted edges and buffalo, barbecue, and honey Sriracha drizzles. I know Pizza Hut is offering a “7-Alarm Fire” pizza, but let’s face it. That’s just not enough.

4. Chicken Tikka Masala Pizza

Crushed tomato and creamy garlic parmesan sauces with grilled chicken and red onions on a "Ginger Boom Boom" crust with red pepper edges. You’ll have to find your own garam masala to give it the finishing touch, but that’s easily done.

5. Ginger Ale Pizza

Order a pizza with the “Ginger Boom Boom” crust. It doesn’t really matter what else is on it; just make sure it’s got the ridiculousness that is “Ginger Boom Boom” in it. Then take your favorite beer and pour it all over the pizza until it’s a soggy mess. Get it?

6. The Rime of the Ancient Marinara

Marinara sauce topped with anchovies (and only anchovies — no cheese) on a plain crust with no drizzle. Hang an albatross around your neck and moan, “Pizza, pizza, everywhere, and all the pans did beat. Pizza, pizza, everywhere, nor any slice to eat.” Do not eat the pizza.

7. The Pretzel PB and J Pizza

Call Pizza Hut. Tell them to give you a Pretzel Piggy. Then tell them to hold the creamy garlic parmesan sauce, the hardwood smoked bacon, the fresh mushrooms, the fresh spinach, and the balsamic drizzle. At this point, the poor employee who picked up the phone when you called will probably tell you that you’ve just asked for a pretzel crust and nothing else. Tell them that’s fine. Then tell them to find a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jam and smear it all over the pizza. They will probably tell you no. If they do, don’t just hang up; at least order a large cheese pizza to make up for wasting their time.

8. The Kitchen Sink

Literally every kind of sauce and every kind of topping on a crust with every type of finish and every kind of drizzle. I’m sure it will be absolutely disgusting. I’m also sure that someone, somewhere will definitely end up ordering it.

If you want to take it a step further, proceed to…

9. Frankenstein’s Monster

Once you’ve received your Kitchen Sink, throw everything you have in your kitchen on top, shock the whole thing with a jolt of electricity, and screech, “IT’S ALIVE!” as your monstrosity rises from its cardboard bed. Keep it away from windmills and small children.

Images: Pizza Hut/Facebook; Giphy (9)