You guys, the more we see of it, the more excited I am for American Horror Story: Coven. Ryan Murphy's dark and twisted mini-series-within-a-series about the things that have historically made us check under our collective bed is back and tackling witches. And after seeing the newly-released trailer, filled with young girls filing into what I can only imagine is a witch school for teen girls, I found myself sort of gleefully jealous. Why? Well, because, god damnit, there's a teen witch that lives inside of me, and she's raging at a chance to peek inside Jessica Lange, Angela Bassett, and Kathy Bates' hauntingly creepy home. Aren't you? Of course you are!
Because, ladies — and now is the time to fess up — some of you out there totally had a teen witch phase, too, didn't you? Admit it! And no, I'm not talking about any of that Glinda the Good Witch shit from the Wizard of Oz. I'm talking about perma-bitchfaced, play-with-a-Ouija-board-at-recess, not-at-all-Wiccan style of teenaged occult obsession.
Like, stick-straight, dyed-black (if your mom was one of those "cool mom" types who allowed such madness) hair, overdone raccoon eye, and black-on-black-on-black clothing in every which way come Sunday witchcraftiness. You put spells on the objects of your affection, mixed "potions" (aka random oils and lotions and whatever vaguely-scented plants you could find in your backyard) and wore them to school. Maybe you even tried to meld your mind with a cat (or maybe that last part just happened naturally over the course of YouTube's existence), or carried around old brooms threatening to fly off to the moon. No judgement here, folks!
While growing up and gaining autonomy sort of renders the teen witch phase moot, that doesn't mean it wasn't a.) a great learning experience, b.) an excuse to be shitty-on-purpose with makeup application, and c.) just good old-fashioned, creepy kid fun.
So it seems only natural that something may be stirring deep down inside you seeing that something wicked actually does this way come. Not to worry, though: we've created a fool-proof way to ease your inner teen witch into adulthood and prepare her for the upcoming season premiere.
1. Watch The Craft
Best.movie.ever. If for nothing more than for Fairuza Balk's ability to terrify. Also SKEET ULRICH you guys. Ugh this movie is so 90s I want to die from raw, melancholic joy:
2. Work on Your Best Goth Look with This Sweet Make-Up Tutorial
3. Listen to Disintegration
The Cure's most prolific album. Bonus: it's actually pretty upbeat, minus all the sad sounds and words Robert Smith uses.
4. Write a Rap Spell
What? This is 2013, witches can rap now. Witches have been utilizing the mesmerizing properties within rap music to create spells effective enough to win over beloveds for like, decades now. Exhibit A:
5. Smell the Part
Cute and creepy company Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs has all of your essential oil needs to smell the part. Plus they did a collaboration with Neil Gaiman so you can totally blame buying something on your love for him rather than the fact that you just really think it could be cool to be the type of girl who has random apothecary bottles filled with oils littering your room.
BONUS: Have a Witchy Slumber/Viewing Party
OK so maybe it's borderline bizarre for a grown-ass 27-year-old woman to suggest such a juvenile affair, but why not indulge in the silly with your coven's most ardent supporters and really just go all the way with this weird and wacky endeavor? Bonus points for playing "light as a feather, stiff as a board." And if you can get someone actually levitate, oh my GOD come over because I so want to do that.
Basically, you guys: FX and Ryan Murphy are giving you a pass to get all nostalgic about — and then indulge in — your teenage (or tweenage) witchy phase. Seize the opportunity because the stars probably won't align in this way again for a very long time.
Now go get giddy, you erstwhile goths, you.