So, This Turkey Is Made Exclusively of Hot Dogs

All my lazy and/or incompetent chefs out there, this one's for you. Oscar Mayer, famed purveyor of rubbery hot dogs and strangely textured bologna since the dawn of time (a.k.a. 1900), has come to rescue your holiday dinner this year, by introducing a recipe for a Thanksgiving turkey made of hot dogs. Have you ever heard anything so American in your life? Somewhere, a bald eagle named Stephen Colbert-Lincoln-Kennedy is crying tears of happiness onto an American flag.

Seriously though guys, it would be almost impossible to mess this one up. Even the most overwhelmingly helpless culinary novices among us can microwave a hot dog, and the Hot Durkey is basically just a bunch of hot dogs stuck together onto turkey-shaped bread with toothpicks. If you want to get really fancy — and really, if you're going to make this I vote you go all the way with it — you can even make the hot dog bun stuffing. As for the vegetarians and vegans out there, fear not! You, too, can partake in this heart-stopping masterpiece of American deli meat, because there's always the option of substituting the hot dogs for veggie dogs of your choice. (I'm not an authority on the subject, but my lifelong-vegetarian roommate says to go for Jumbo Smart Dogs.)

If you're not sold on this already, you're probably capable of feeding yourself like an adult. I'll also assume you're interested in this newfangled "healthy eating" I see on the news lately... which is probably for the best.

If for some reason you're interested in actually making the Hot Durkey, here's the official Oscar Mayer recipe, courtesy of the Huffington Post:

IngredientsOne large loaf of Italian breadSeveral packages of Oscar Mayer Selects Angus Beef Franks, bun lengthSides of your choice (diced onion, ketchup, mustard, tomatoes, pickles, sport peppers, hot dog buns, etc.)ToolsLarge roasting panKitchen shears and knifeToothpicksButcher’s twineTurkey frills (optional)Instructions1) Cook hot dogs on the grill or in a grill pan; set aside.2) To create the base and legs, cut about 4 to 5 inches of bread from the end of the loaf. Place the larger part of the loaf in the roasting pan. Cut the remaining small portion in half, lengthwise, then cut each half again, lengthwise.3) Using toothpicks, affix one piece of sliced bread, at an angle, to both sides of the cut end of the large loaf. These are the legs!

4) Slice a portion of the hot dogs in half lengthwise. Using toothpicks, place hot dog halves on top of the loaf until it’s fully covered. Continue placing hot dogs around the base layer to form the rest of the Hot Durkey. Cut hot dogs to different lengths as necessary to cover the base.

5) To cover the legs, affix cut hot dogs to the bread in a fanned cylinder shape; use butcher’s twine to tie hot dogs together.

6) Once Hot Durkey is built to desired shape, gently slice across the top layer of hot dogs to form bite-size quarter sections –- this Hot Durkey is meant to be shared! Before serving, transfer the Hot Durkey to the oven to re-heat hot dogs.7) To serve, provide guests with tooth picks and/or forks to pull hot dog sections off the base. Present alongside your favorite condiments and for extra points, create “buffing” by placing buns in the stuffing cavity.

I can't say it'll impress your mom or dad this Thanksgiving, but I guarantee if you show this to your 16-year-old brother/cousin/next door neighbor, he's going to be all over it.

Images: Mike Mozart/Flickr, Giphy (2)