Lover of all things aural and oral, rapper 2 Chainz took the multi-platform approach to his latest album, B.O.A.T.S. II: #METIME by writing a cookbook to accompany the release. The aptly titled #MEALTIME is 26 pages of completely ordinary, totally uneventful, largely seafood-centric dishes (salmon teriyaki, shrimp and grits, garlic mashed potatoes, sautéed asparagus), but the food is hardly the star of this tome. No, in fact it is the instructions that make this a kitchen counter staple and prove that rapper 2 Chainz has maybe actually missed his true calling all along.
You're on the road and you're hungry. 2 Chainz has been there, and now he's reaching into his deep, flavorful pockets to hook you up with the recipes you'll need for your time out on the road. ...
Keep in mind, all measurements are at the discretion of your palette [sic]. As we all know, some people have a lot of flavor, while others enjoy their food and their lifestyle a little more subtle (boring). Also keep in mind that these recipes are intended to be made at 70 MPH when you're on a tour bus, so exact measurements can't always be accommodated.
2 Chainz doesn't write down his music, it flows naturally from his mind. Follow 2 Chainz, and feel free to freestyle your cooking until you (and whoever's eating alongside you) enjoy it. Finally, remember: embrace mistakes, and always cook within your comfort zone. #TRU
And that's just the introduction. The gloriousness continues to grow exponentially into a comprehensive guide for how to do things the 2 Chainz way, guaranteeing culinary success. Such as these gems:
- Put on your Versace apron.
- Cook [the salmon] for 3 to 4 minutes while blasting "Hit It With Fork" at an ignorant level.
- Drape yourself in an ADIDAS Sweatsuit, chainz n thangs.
- Serve warm, lean back and vibe out.
- Go to the mall, spend a handful of racks on a new outfit for the night.
- Get a manicure and pedicure.
- Spend some more "me time" at the house, catching up on old seasons of The Wire.
- If wearing a four-finger ring, carefully place it on a side table before starting to cook.
- Position yourself in a room surrounded by a handful of TVs playing 'Sports Center' with the sound off.
- Call Fergie, invite her to watch a movie on Netflix. Once she accepts, start making green beans.
- ... Take a minute to zone out to the music before you start cooking.
- With the song bumping in the background, cover the expensive lamb in plastic wrap and let sit at room temperature for 20 minutes.
- Once the vibe is right, add snow crab legs to large stock pot.
- Light some more candles and meditate. The vibe is so important to this dish that it is worth spending the extra time to get it just right.
2 Chainz's way of thinking is wholly original and clearly unique, which begs the question: why hasn't 2 Chainz written more instructional books?
Seriously, think about it. Amazing, right? So much so that we've taken the liberty of writing up a few examples should he feel bereft of ideas:
The 2 Chainz Guide to SAT Prep
Don't just score high on the SATs, win those SATs like you're the underdog model on a Versace runway. Strut past the losers in the crowd, just standing by watching, and earn that title of supermodel...of academics! It's easy:
- Put on your white on white ADIDAS sneakers: they don't cause scuff marks on the gymnasium floor and that's where you'll all be crammed in to take the test.
- Make Sure your Number 2 is Number 1: those Ticonderogas ain't gonna sharpen themselves! Make sure your lead is on point.
- Put "U Da Realist" on blast in your headphones and prepare your mind for total domination.
- Take the shit out of that test and remember that your self worth shouldn't be defined by a stupid number on a test.
- Move on with your life, finish high school.
- Call James Franco and ask him what it's like to graduate from college so much.
- Make billions dominating your industry of choice.
The 2 Chainz Guide to Computers (For The Elderly)
Growing old in a rapidly-changing world is sure to cause some ill vibes. E'rybody talking about computers day in and out. That's because computers are the future! But you don't have to be scared. Here's the best way to learn out to mack with your MAC and be unPC with your PC.
- Dim the lights and put on some candles. Pro-tip: aromatherapy candles help relax the mind and open it up to new concepts.
- Drop B.O.A.T.S. II: #METIME into the CD/DVD drive.
- Press play.
- Sit back and relax because what else you need a computer for? It won't function better than it is right now!
2 Chainz Chicken Soup for the ME Time Soul
Sometimes the world out there comes at you at 100 MPH. It's hard to understand yourself and see the forest from the trees, you know? Sometimes you need to find your zen spot to truly get to the bottom of your soul.
- Grab your favorite Hermes blanket. Wrap it around you.
- Find your favorite chair in the house. Sit down, vibe out.
- Feel free to take this time to meditate, as the landscape of your mind is invaluable to this experience.
- Sing along to "Beautiful Pain" and cry. Pour yourself a big-ass glass of some expensive cabernet sauvignon.
- Optional: slap a pensive look on your face. Sometimes appearance really is everything.