Sarah Jessica Parker's Shoe Line Will Come In All Kinds Of Pretentious Colors

Look, I'm not here to hate on Sarah Jessica Parker. I own the entire DVD set of Sex and the City, as well as the soundtrack from her Broadway production of Once Upon a Mattress. (Yes, yes, I do.) SJP is indubitably the bomb, and I was stoked to hear that she was designing a line of shoes. But now that the details of her shoe line are out, I'm... less than thrilled.

Parker showed the shoes to retailers at Nordstrom on Wednesday, and everything that was revealed about her designs sounds somewhere between bizarre and pretentious. Here's all the weirdness you can expect from SJP shoes:

1. The shoes will all be single-sole. This actually seems appropriate, given that Manolo Blahnik exclusively makes single-sole shoes, and that they tend to be more comfortable and attractive. However, SJP seems to think her decision to go single-sole was pretty grave. “Trust in the simple. I was so happy to support the single-sole shoe again.” (Is she talking about shoes, or her best friend from high school?)

2. Like the mediocre, metaphor-filled writing of Carrie Bradshaw, the colors of SJP's shoes will not be simple. Instead, there will be a variety of colors that include asparagus, cherry, dove gray and her special version of navy. Which, WWD reports, "is more of a French navy." Parker explains, “People always have to ask their friends and husbands, ‘Is this navy or black?’ I want it to be clear.” It's coming in clear as a bell over here, SJP.

3. Each pair of SJP shoes will feature a small design detail to set it apart from other brands, like grosgrain ribbon up the heel, or a "small tab" on the side. “My sister and I always wore ribbons in our hair; we had a drawer full of grosgrain ribbon but not any money.” That sounds pretty quaint, but also pretty suspect.

4. Finally, the shoes will come in a variety of styles and heel heights, and will cost between $250 an $425. One will, obviously, be named "The Carrie." I can't decide if that makes me want to buy them more or less.

Should these details entice you to shell out — the jury's still out for me — they're landing at Nordstrom early next year. Plenty of time for you to think... and to buy something to match a pair of French navy pumps.