6 Thoughts That Go Through Every Girl's Mind While Wearing Heels
I love wearing high heels. When I used to work in a law firm, I'd wear them every day and I adored every click-clacky moment of it. I'm now a writer who pads about my own apartment in sweat pants and giant socks, which is equally as satisfying but for totally different reasons. Regardless of my new slovenly status, I jump at any opportunity to wear heels, and have adopted the heeled bootie as a daily compromise between my deep, primal love for tall shoes and my casual lifestyle. They're the perfect middle man between sassy and accessible, bars and movies, parties and short strolls.
That said, I love a good stiletto. I like them tall and precarious. I like them leather and embellished. I like them with straps and buckles and whatever other accoutrements make other girls go "OMG, WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE SHOES?" (at which point I reveal that I, being the shopping genius I am, got them half-off on sale). I like to wear high heels like I'm as hot as Jamie Lee Curtis in the strip tease scene in True Lies because that's how every pair of high heels deserves to be worn. All that said, wearing high heels can be as challenging as it is rewarding, and my girls in the vertiginous shoes will understand. Here are 6 thoughts girls will inevitably have while trodding about in high heels.
1. "DAMN, MY LEGS LOOK FINE IN THESE HEELS."
This is the first and most important thought a woman in heels will have. She'll put the heels on, look in the mirror, and fall utterly in love with her own legs, which is the magic and the beauty of heels, and why we should always have at least one pair that makes us love ourselves so utterly and disgustingly and unconditionally that we're actually overwhelmed by it. Sometimes all it takes is a pair of shoes to remind you how stupidly foxy you are, and if that's how little it takes then the healing power of heels is alright by me.
2. "I SHOULD WEAR HEELS EVERY DAY."
In your first act of heel-wearing, everything will feel very wonderful, and like you could run to catch cabs or click about Whole Foods in high heels every damn day. I mean, how cute would you look in heels on a vintage bike? SO cute, that's how cute. Why don't all women wear heels every day? It's the greatest. Heels make you feel so delicious, you'll be convinced you should and could take up wearing them full-time, so much have you been elated by the feeling of sexiness and power that comes with a pair of stilettos.
3. "IF I WERE A SPY, COULD I KILL A MAN WITH THIS STILETTO?"
You'll be so enamored with your heel-wearing self, you'll start creating fantastic scenarios in which you're a spy or a vampire slayer who always wears tall shoes. In these fantasies, you'll sexily step on the phone cord (because this fantasy only works if phones have cords) when an evil genius is relaying evil information about blowing up the world, then you'll karate kick him to the head with your perfectly-shod feet. The assassin fantasy will culminate in you taking off your shoe and using the heel to stab the evil genius (now revealed to be a vampire, naturally) straight through the heart. You are not crazy—you are the best, and this imaginary heel wearing spy alter-ego is fabulous.
4. "WHY DOES THE SUBWAY HAVE SO MANY STAIRS?"
"And why are my friends walking so much faster than me? Why does this street have so many cracks and dips in the pavement? Shouldn't the city do something about this? Oh great, a cobbled street. What do you mean, it's a standing room only concert? I need to sit down!" Eventually, wearing heels wears you down, especially if you're walking or standing a lot. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but after a while, even the most comfortable pair of heels will start to feel uncomfortable.
5. "DO NOT BE ONE OF THOSE WOMEN WHO TAKES HER HEELS OFF IN PUBLIC. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT."
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the damn kitchen. Don't wear heels and take them off in public. This is disgusting, not only for your bare feet, which are now enjoying the same concrete side walk that dogs piss on, but for everyone around you who has to look at and think about your bare feet and any potentially related gross things like toe gunk or fungus. Also, you look like a tool carrying your heels. It's a temptation, sure, but one that every rationally-minded, strong-willed woman will fight because WE NEVER SAY DIE.
6. "WHEN CAN I TAKE THESE OFFFFFFFFFFF?"
This will be your final thought while wearing heels, and it will scream in your head on repeat, rendering you unable to think of anything else until you get home and rip the heels from your feet for sweet, sweet relief. Totally worth it, though.
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