9 Ridiculous Celebrity Sex Tape Quotes That Will Arouse Zero Percent of the Human Population

As far as we can tell from the intimate videos they've shared with the world (c'mon, you've watched a few...) famous people say some funky things in the bedroom. Let's chalk this one up to another instance of celebs being just like us. Your clothes are off, your guard is down, and the filter between your brain and mouth is naturally dulled. However, certain celebs who have voluntarily released their own sex tapes have gotten caught saying some pretty ridiculous things like "My ass is shy" and "Where's the Beef?" Yep. The human animal is a peculiar being indeed. Beyond the obvious pleasured moans and expletives, here are nine absolutely insane celebrity sex tape quotes.

Farrah Abraham

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In her magnum opus Backdoor Teen Mom , Abraham tells James Deen

“I forgot my brain when I came to hang out with you.” Oh, quips: she’s got a million of ‘em.

Paris Hilton

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While preening in front of the mirror as her gross boyfriend succeeds in being the grossest, worst dude ever, Paris delivers this totally in-character line: “You’re like obsessed, you always film me.” Cinéma-vérité at its pinnacle.

Farrah Abraham

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This exchange between James Deen and Farrah Abraham must be immortalized. As Farrah regards the exceedingly complicated apparatus of James Deen’s fly, she says “What the hell, did you wear armor today?” James’ retort is: “I wore pants and a t-shirt.” SHUT IT DOWN!!

Kim Kardashian

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According to Staked in the Heart, Kim does some pretty run-of-the-mill faking in her sex tape with Ray J. Towards the end, when she probably just wants to get it over with and go back to watching TV, she apparently screams: “BABY, I’M CUMMING! I’M CUMMING! I’M EXPLODING ON YOUR COCK!!!! I’M JUST EXPLODING BABY!!” Ladies and germs, Kim Kardashian: Master of Metaphor.

Tommy Lee

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I skimmed through the Tommy Lee/Pam Anderson sex tape so you didn’t have to. Predictably, everyone appears to be extremely drunk, and it takes place on a yacht. At one point, Tommy Lee tucks his penis between his legs and proclaims “I lost my dick!” Later, he re-traced his steps and found it, not before promising to start a Lumosity subscription to help his memory.

Farrah Abraham

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Abraham is remarkably in tune with the emotional range of her posterior. At one point in her tape (which I will own up to watching) she says, “My ass is shy. It doesn’t wanna see you anymore.”

Dustin Diamond

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Thanks to the fantastic ladies at Staked in the Heart, we also have some notable quotes from Dustin Diamond’s d-baggiest move of all time, the sex tape entitled Dirty Sanchez. Apparently, the majority of the video consists of him filming three women in bed together, providing commentary that makes you wanna jump out of your skin. Prepare yourself for the barrage of worst sex quotes ever, beginning with: “Baum chicka baum baum!”

Dustin Diamond, yet again

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And it just keeps getting better with, “Take the beast out.”

Dustin Diamond

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Last, but not least: “Where’s the beef?” We can file these all away in the “get out of my apartment NOW” folder.