An Open Letter to the Officiant at 'Tamra's OC Wedding'

First, I want to say to Tamra and Eddie that your wedding looked fantastic. Over-the-top in spots (a suspended wedding cake? Come on) with perhaps one costume change too many, but you threw a surprisingly tasteful, restrained affair that I could imagine -- in a far different life -- attending, and loving. You gave the Real Housewives franchise an unexpected moment of authentic emotion, one that can perhaps power us through a new season of fighting over who is who's BFF and sext etiquette.

With that out of the way: Officiant, we've got to sort through some stuff.

Now, it's not your fault that you're British. That's no inherently bad thing (Hugh Grant is delightful), anyway. But if I had the choice of hearing Kanye's "I Am a God" screams on loop for the rest of my life or attending/watching one more wedding announced as possssshly as you did tonight's affair, well… It's not the British accent. British accents can be lovely, even sexy! Your British accent, on the other hand, is what we call a "baloney" British accent. No resident of Orange County, California -- no one within 150 GD miles of Orange County -- speaks the way you do, even assuming they migrated from Across the Pond. "Jane Seymour trying way too hard to narrate this children's audiobook" is one way to describe it, or "Egomaniacal Mary Poppins." Somewhere along those lines. It makes me want to scream the way I do listening to James Dyson talk about vacuums.

I'm assuming your name is Tabitha? Beatrix? Beatrix, the main thing is just that you need to tone it down about a thousand notches. First, try using fewer words in your officiating! Instead of "It is at this very sacred and sentimental and special moment…" you might go with something like "Now" -- much cleaner, with far less hot air expelled! Every time you want to repeat a commonly used wedding noun like "bride" with another synonym, say "wife" -- just don't! Not only will you have saved the wedding guests a full 15 minutes outside in the hot Orange County sun, but I surely won't have to write this same recap when you officiate another Bravo wedding.

I've never officiated a real wedding, Beatrix, and can't imagine either the pressure of the day or the temptation to turn it into a real SHOW. But I think I'd be able to stop myself from calling Tamra's mother "mum" in the British parlance, or generally conducting myself like Elf Queen Galadriel at a Middle-Earth commitment ceremony. 

Who'd have thought the gaudiest element of a REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY wedding would be the unassuming officiant? I guess it's surprise that keeps the franchise relevant after all these years.

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