Underwear, undergarments, underpinnings, lingerie, panties — the things we wear under our clothes go by many names and have equally as many purposes. But somewhere along the way, it started to feel like we got caught in the trap of believing that women’s undies are more (if not all) about pretty and sexy and less about function. A simple glance at a Google image search for women’s underwear yields a whole lot of itty-bitty, low-cut, lacy things — and even one pink, crotchless number. But out of the plethora of pink and perma-wedgies, nothing in the mix of lace and mesh says "gym time," "binge-watching Netflix" or "badass cramps" to me — all of which require far more comfort than the aforementioned lace and mesh can usually afford.
I’m not sure who is to blame, here. But at some point between the opening of the first Victoria’s Secret store in the mid 70s and Sisqo’s “Thong Song,” most women decided that the high-waisted cotton brief — aka “the granny panty” — was a fashion faux pas: a joke and an outdated and unnecessary wardrobe element.
So I'm here to tell you that it's a total lie. I'll stick up for and swear by my granny panties through thick and thin. Because for three reasons, but possibly many more, I am that girl — the one who still buys a couple of packages of big ass panties every year and genuinely believes that high briefs should be a holiday gift that all women ask for and adore. Don’t get me wrong. There is a time and a place for lacy thongs. Honestly, I own a lot more of those than their high-waisted cousins. But no one — not fashion magazines, my husband, my friends or my enemies — can tell me that my granny panties have outworn their welcome.
See what I mean about that Google search...
1. Sometimes, all-over coverage is needed
There are times when you just want to keep your bits wrapped up tight. For example, I often sleepover at my uncle’s house and hang out with him and his two little girls whilst in my nightgown. I am a rowdy sleeper, and come the morning it's quite likely that my nightie will be around my waist. In moments such as these, I am more than happy to be ironclad in my granny panties. Those mighty drawers of mine come up to my belly button and cover every last bit of my bottom. So if for some reason I am caught ass-out, there is practically nothing to see. And furthermore, when I have my period, I often use an overnight pad that requires the serious square footage that granny panties are happy to provide.
2. Sexy is not required
Admittedly, granny panties are not sexy. But I consider myself something of a badass — sexy butt floss not required. I know, I know. This is the feminist in me. But I believe that getting sexy, looking sexy and being sexy are a choice, and therefore, sexy is something I do on my terms when I’m into it. Period. In other words, there are days when I feel like having stretch lace on my booty; days where seeing my own toosh in a thong or anticipating my husband seeing my toosh in a thong coats the whole day in heightened bliss. And then, there are the other days, when I am sweaty and gross at the gym or curled up on my couch with a warm cup of tea, binge-watching bad T.V. On these days — when doing totally non-sexy stuff — regular, no nonsense granny panties do it for me... because comfort and 100 percent cotton are just what my downstairs needs to feel healthy and happy. At those times, sexy doesn’t even cross my mind.
3. Panty slippage stinks
Granny panties stay put! We all know that pulling your underwear up in public can be embarrassing and irritating. Personally, I do not have a washboard flat stomach — not even close — and I couldn't care less. But my joyfully round tummy is not an ideal landing space for low-rise panties. Many of the undies that I buy have a tendency to roll or slip and slide off my tummy, and then get all scrunched up and bunchy — ultimately, I become plagued by the feeling that they are slipping away. It’s a naked, vulnerable feeling. And I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. This means that I can often be found attempting to discreetly hike up my underwear. Getting caught fiddling with my underoos is a behavior that I like to avoid, however, and granny panties always come to my rescue.
Images: Author; Giphy