13 Pitfalls of Being a Real Life 'Elf' Because Not Everything is as Sweet as a Syrup-Covered Plate of Spaghetti
If you've seen the movie Elf, and, honestly, at this point, I'd be hard pressed to find someone who hasn't, you might agree with the following notion that seemingly, Buddy the Elf lives an ideal life. He's happy, he's vivacious, he lives in a perpetual, gleeful holiday season, and, most importantly, he never wears pants. Like, ever. What about that sounds displeasing? Well, on the surface perhaps, it doesn't really seem like much. But, when you start to dig deeper and let all the little elf nuances and ticks stew in your mind, you realize that are some major pitfalls to being an elf, especially one of Will Ferrell's stature, couple with Buddy's blind innocence and the mean streets of Manhattan.
Not to rain on your Elf parade (and I know you're waving that flag high and proud) or anything and be a total Grinch about your one true fictional Christmas hero, but I have to keep it real. After all, keeping it real is mandatory for me, because I took a blood oath. So here it is: being an elf is not all it’s cracked up to be. Here are the following ways being an elf like “Elf” would sorta, kinda suck.
One way being a real life Elf wouldn't suck? Being married to Zooey Deschanel.
Being Susceptible to a Variety of Diseases
Here's to hoping the medical care in the North Pole is up to par.
No one's gunna text you back with that kind of crazy.
It's Impossible to Insult Anyone, Even When You Want To
Unless you wanted your insults to be adorable.
Your Degree of Naivety is Actually Dangerous
What you don't know will most certainly hurt you. Or hit you. Head on.
Poor, Impulsive Judgement
But you saw the cat do it and that went so well.
Hygiene is a Privilege, Not a Right
Bonus: your hat doubles as a shower cap.
You're not exactly wrong, though.
Fits of Hysteria
Your Outfit Choices Are Lacking...
Slime green just really isn't your color... or anyone's.
...And Shopping Malls Aren't an Option
Escalators are scary.
You'd Emotional Binge Eat Constantly
Making your mustard colored tights work overtime to keep you in place.
You are a Walking Motive for Murder
And you have no idea when it's coming.
You Have Crippling Guilt
It's not your fault the world is so harsh and jaded and you're so cuddly and endearingly ignorant.