Here's How You Eat a Live Octopus, In Case You Were Wondering — VIDEO

If you would like to learn how to eat a living octopus, but you are at work and your work is not the sort of place that supports the blatant watching of YouTube videos (I'm looking at you, ER intake nurses and covert snipers), I'll do you a favor and write out the stomach-turning details for you. You're welcome, I accept gifts of chocolate and/or live sea creatures.

Let us begin this snuff-film of a meal! First, squeeze out the mucus because, and I quote "mucus is not great to eat". Haha, mucus really is the worst, it's true. Whenever I see a commercial for Mucinex and they've got those chatty animated balls of the stuff, I'm all "Forget you, you trombone-playing, suspender-wearing atrocity!" It runs in the family, this hatred for the viscous stuff. My brother can make himself throw up by imagining being forced to eat a bowl of cold snot. Now you can probably make yourself throw up too. Again, you're welcome.

Once you've...ugh, squeezed the mucus from the octopus who is probably all, "This does NOT bode well!", you then chop it up into little bits so that it doesn't try to suffocate you while you are ingesting it. Next, put some garlic in your mouth to distract you from the fact that you are eating a living creature whose ghost is probably hovering just above your left shoulder shrieking "VENGEANCE!"

That, in a nutshell, is how you eat a live octopus.

There is also a video to illustrate all of the above in stomach-turning detail. Behold:

Munchies on YouTube

Here are some other pro-tips I took away from this cooking lesson:

Because it is alive.

Because it is alive.

Because it is alive.

Because—oh, wait, he finally gets it.

I'm in no position to yuck somebody else's yum, especially given my penchant for spending well over ten dollars on bottles of green juice. Sure, they taste like a spicy athletic field, but man, do they help me poop. So, with that in mind, please feel free to go ahead and eat some living octopi. If you later on discover that its ghost is haunting you, please contact me, I'm considering starting a Tumblr called ghostsofoctopikeepwailing.tumblr.com, probably.

Images: Munchies/YouTube (5)