Entertainment
Channing Tatum's New Job: Your Sassy Secretary
Channing Tatum is an upfront kind of dude. What you see is pretty much what you get with him. No bells, no whistles, no frills. And really, isn’t that the best thing about him? It’s not like what we see isn’t pleasing to the eye, because uh… hello. Anyhow, Tatum, his unabashed honesty, and his incredibly fit and rhythmic bodacious ass, were unfortunately victims of the Sony email hack that has caused red cheeks and foots being inserted into mouths all over the greater Los Angeles area. In this instance though, the joke here is on the hackers themselves. All Tatum’s leaked email to Jonah Hill proved was that he’s hilariously and endearingly uncouth in the most delicious of ways.
I envy Tatum’s email chutzpah, actually. I sit there, as I’m sure you do, day after day mulling over emails, rereading responses making sure I use just the right amount of exclamation points in my greetings and closings, clicking endlessly to make sure my attachments open, blah blah blah. When all along we could’ve just let trusty ol’ Channy handle the whole thing for us. In fact, why don’t we let him handle it and hire him as our secretary of sorts for a trial run. Here's how Channing would answer all of your pesky, everyday emails, according to his email from the Sony Hack (well, the shortened version):
FROM: LandlordSUBJ: Reminder! Rent Due The 1st!
REPLY TO: LandlordRE: Reminder! Rent Due The 1st!
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH...
[INBOX (2)]
FROM: Best FriendSUBJ: You'll never guess who I ran into while on lunch...
FROM: Your Ex-BoyfriendSUBJ: Hey.
TO: Best Friend, Ex-Boyfriend[NO SUBJECT]
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAH...
FROM: DominosSUBJ: Your order of: (4) Cheesy Bread, (2) Pepperoni Pizza, and (5) Oreo Dessert Pizza is on its way!
REPLY TO: DominosSUBJ: I'm alone...
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAH...
FROM: SatanSUBJ: Attn: Student Loan Payment - Late
REPLY TO: Satan BCC: Daddy Warbucks
SUBJ: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAH...
FROM: MomTO: You, Sister, BrotherSUBJ: Pastor Jeff asked where you've all been after mass yesterday...
REPLY: ALLSUBJ: Guys, I've got this.
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAH...
FROM: The GymSUBJ: Where Have You Been? We Miss You!
REPLY TO: The GymRE: Where Have You Been? We Miss You!
AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAH...
FROM: The BankSUBJ: Important! You've Reached Your Account Minimum
REPLY TO: The BankSUBJ: Please Read
AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAH...
Image: Giphy
