2013's 'Sexy' Halloween Costumes Are Totally Not At All Pathetic and Sad

So the genius smart funny people over at iO9 discovered a hideous secret: there's an "official" The Walking Dead costume out for Halloween... and it's a "Sassy Rick Grimes." Which is hilarious because a.) yeah, "sassy" is not another word for "sexy" but nice try, costume industry, and b.) it's a "Sassy Rick Grimes" costume. So we decided to take a further gander at the other entertainment-related costumes featured at SpiritHalloween.com and, well, it's a real treasure trove.

We're pretty excited about this Rick Grimes costume, though. It looks perfect for all those times you've been dreaming of warding off undead humans in an attempt to survive your own terrible reality — but sexily!

Sexy Rick Grimes from 'The Walking Dead'

So the genius smart funny people over at iO9 discovered a hideous secret: there's an "official" The Walking Dead costume out for Halloween... and it's a "Sassy Rick Grimes." Which is hilarious because a.) yeah, "sassy" is not another word for "sexy" but nice try, costume industry, and b.) it's a "Sassy Rick Grimes" costume. So we decided to take a further gander at the other entertainment-related costumes featured at SpiritHalloween.com and, well, it's a real treasure trove.

We're pretty excited about this Rick Grimes costume, though. It looks perfect for all those times you've been dreaming of warding off undead humans in an attempt to survive your own terrible reality — but sexily!

Sassy Ron Burgundy from 'Anchorman'

"And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, sexy costumes."

Sexy Minion from 'Despicable Me'

I have a great idea! There's nothing despicable about sexualizing a children's film character!

Sassy John Reid from 'The Lone Ranger'

Yes, the costume has a tag line that reads "Saddle Up! Giddy Up!" because of course.

Sexy Tonto from 'The Lone Ranger'

Feeling left out of the vitriolic culture-appropriation debate? Offend yourself with this great Sexy Tonto number. Hi-ho, Silver: that makeup is truly terrifying.

Sexy Wild Thing from 'Major League'

I hear when you wear this to Charlie Sheen's house you get a free vial of tiger's blood (that dead silence is not because I just hit a home run but rather because I told a very timely joke).

Sexy Miss Freddy Kruger from 'Nightmare on Elm Street'

This costume is in plus-size only, which: get it?! The joke's because FATTIES are total BONER KILLERZ, amirite bros? High five, sweet lax.

Sassy Raphael from 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'

The perfect costume for when you're dressing for the ab-obsessed manchild nerd in your life. Turtle power!

Sassy Bambi from 'Bambi'

Oh good lord the furry-in-training-with-daddy-issues vibes are strong with this one.

Sexy Rigby from 'Regular Show'

OK seriously, Cartoon Network? It's only dudes that come up with the ideas for these sexy costumes, right? It has to be dudes. Please tell me it's just dudes also why is everyone so into ironic beastiality in their costumes? Is that a thing right now?

Sonic from 'Sonic the Hedgehog'

I mean I'm just going to leave this one here because there's just so much that's wrong and weird and also possibly-maybe offensive about this that I just can't.

Glam Marge Simpson from 'The Simpsons'

Oh, I get it. Since she's a mom-aged character she can't be sexy or sassy: only "glam." Is that costume-talk for "Hollywood doesn't think you're of a fuckable age anymore but everyone else got a modifier so we don't want you to feel left out?" Wait who said that? BART!

Sexy Lloyd Christmas from 'Dumb and Dumber'

Somebody just wanted a reason to make a tiny orange top hat — admit it!

Sassy Thor from 'Thor'

At least they didn't make this to look like how comic book supergals look on page: otherwise there'd be not much to it. Sexy Thor gets more coverage!

Maverick (or Goose!) from 'Top Gun'

This costume doesn't get a "sexy," "sassy," or "glam" modifier because protecting and serving one's country is serious business and sex is totally not at all important to it and the people who run it, right?

Sexy Storm Trooper from 'Star Wars'

From the description: "Take orders from the force of darkness on Halloween when you wear this." Using The Force for evil again, are we?

Sexy Olive Oyl from 'Popeye'

He'll be poppin' that LITTLE eye for you if yannowhatimean LADIEZ! Hey-o boner jokes (no spinach required)!

Patrick from 'SpongeBob SquarePants'

This is just getting sad now, you guys. C'MON.

Miss Scissorhands from 'Edward Scissorhands'

Somewhere out there's a goth girl yawning and going "TAME. NEXT!" Somewhere else out there Robert Smith from The Cure is scratching his head going "did somebody sneak into my hair mausoleum?"

The Mad Hatter from 'Alice in Wonderland'

OK what rabbit hole do I have to fall through to get my boobs to look like that ever?

Kato from 'The Green Hornet'

This costume says "not only am I subserviant, but I won't even make you look at me!"

Heroic Maria

Everybody knows it's easy rescuing princesses and fighting big lizard-y dragon kings when you dress as practically as this!

Pikachu from 'Pokemon'

This yellow nightmare comes rife with accessories! There's a tail, a hat, glovelettes and leg pieces which are a thing I hope to never witness again outside of Burning Man. I do NOT choose you, oddly enough!

...And last but not least: Spider Girl

Thank god this thing is made up of spandex and polyester. The shit storm of semen that you'd have to ward off from passing nerds would never come out otherwise. (You're welcome.)