43 Times John Boehner Looked Like He Just Buried a Dead Body

WASHINGTON - NOVEMBER 16: Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) (L) listens as U.S. President Barack Obama speaks during a meeting with bipartisan group of congressional leaders in the Roosevelt Room of the White House on November 16, 2012 in Washington, DC. Obama and congressional leaders of both parties are meeting to reportedly discuss deficit reduction before the tax increases and automatic spending cuts go into affect in the new year. (Photo by Olivier Douliery-Pool/Getty Images)
Source: Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images

One is a 20- or 30-something investment banker working on Wall Street; the other is the 65-year-old Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. While the former moonlights as a serial killer, it's unclear what the other does during his off hours. And yeah, the one may be a fictional character created by author Bret Easton Ellis, and the other is John Boehner, but when you really think about it, he and Patrick Bateman are basically the same person. John Boehner is Patrick Bateman.

OK, maybe he just really, really reminds me of Patrick Bateman. They're both rich, white men in positions of power. They both have that sort of stoic, slightly sociopathic, dead-behind-the-eyes look about them. And as gross as this is for me to say, they both have the chiseled features and piercing blue eyes of a blue-blooded American. So, you see, American Psycho could have totally been written about a young John Boehner. And if Ellis ever wanted to write a sequel to his infamous novel, he should have Patrick Bateman change career paths and get into politics, maybe get elected to Congress? He'd certainly have a pretty good muse.

To prove my theory, here are 43 times real-life Patrick Bateman inspiration John Boehner looked like he just buried a dead body.

1.

“Chainsaw or power drill tonight? Choices…”


2.

“Omg, did I just say, ‘murder’? I meant to say ‘immigration.’”

3.

“I wonder what people think of my b*tch face.”

4.

“I just don’t feel guilty. That’s normal, right?”

5.

“Oh God, why does it smell like formaldehyde? Is that me?”

6

“I don’t see how anyone can sit through this State of the Union Address and not want to kill.”

7.

“For once, I’d like someone to kill me, please.”

8.

“Eenie, meenie, miney, mo…”

9.

“Lol, these jokers have no idea.”

10.

“Oh no, the dark thoughts are creeping in again.”

11.

“Don’t forget to get some Tide pens on your way home. That carpet stain’s not going to clean itself.”

12.

“Maybe I should change my Hotmail handle to GhostfaceKillah.”

13.

“Say ‘social fabric’ one more time, Obama.”

14.

“I’ll show you a proposal for population control.”

15.

“Oh, McConnell … it would be so easy.”

16.

“Should I kill both of them? Yeah, why not.”

17.

“Nobody understands John Boehner.”

18.

“Hmm, where did I put victim #78 again?”

19.

“You know, Charles Manson is just really misunderstood.”

20.

“I love how spiffy I look, even after a really messy one.”

21.

“Sigh. Killing is exhausting.”

22.

“Strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, killing me softly with his song…”


23.

“Why don’t people like me?”

24.

“Ugh, I think I waited too long on the last body.”

25.

“Obama, you have no idea how many close calls you’ve had.”

26.

“Step aside, plebeians. I’m John Boehner.”

27.

“That last body was just so slippery!”

28.

“I’ve got my steely, blue, completely-devoid-of-emotion eyes on you.”

29.

“Why don’t people want to be my friend?”

30.

“I can hear you, Cantor. Don’t make me do it.”

31.

“Oh God, he smells like that guy I offed last week. What is that? Onions?”

32.

“I’m so lonely.”

33.

“These people … I can’t even.”

34.

“Why don’t I feel anything? Like, ever?”


35.

“I can’t believe the price of lye went up again.”

36.

“I’ll burn this whole building down, just watch me.”

37.

“Phew, made it in time. That body took forever.”

38.

“I hope nobody digs up the ninth hole.”

Image: Keith Allison/Flickr

39.

“Blood is a b*tch to wash out.”

40.

“Am I going to lose sleep tonight? Probably not.”

41.

“Hurry up with this meeting so I can go home and play with my new killing tools.”

42.

“Hey, that guy kind of looks like last night’s victim.”

43.

“I certainly wouldn’t miss her.”