We've all been there: It's Christmas Eve (or perhaps Christmas night), the familial conversations turns awkward (in my house, it got weird when everyone tried to offer up a barometer for calling The Interview "raunchy" — it got weird. And it's times like these that The Yule Log comes in real handy.
Being mesmerized by fire is always a good excuse for "missing" the part of the conversation when your dad decides to explain the hair gel scene from There's Something About Mary to the entire room.
Oh what? Why am I not turning bright red and hiding my face like my brother and step sister? I'm just so mesmerized by this beautiful fire. Hold on just a sec — the subtitles are about to say "loud pop."
So, in an effort to avoid further awkward conversations — I'm pretty sure they're amping up to the "why isn't Kelsea married yet" part of the day right now — I'm staring at my computer, pretending there is a work emergency, and bringing you, the good people of the internet, what is hopefully some Christmas cheer. Buon natale, everyone!
Oh man, I really should have chosen the Lil' Bub version for this. When that little cat gets pets from Big Bub? Classic.
Dad, Dad. Listen. I really need to get this story posted. I don't know if you heard, but Sony put The Interview on YouTube. I'm definitely watching that, for work, not this endless loop of fire that turns me into a caveman-esque lump on a log. Definitely not.
That was definitely a crackle. Why didn't the subtitles flash that ridiculously banal description? Is this thing on?
Yeah, Dad. A celebrity just gave birth on Christmas Eve. That's why I'm furrowing my brow and typing so hard, it's like the computer committed a crime against my family. I know, it's the worst! On Christmas Eve! How dare those gorgeous famous people procreate.
Oh. I forgot to put the subtitles on. Stand down, everyone.
HELL YES, THAT WAS A "LOUD POPPING SOUND," SUBTITLE-WRITER GUY!
I bet I could train myself to be one of those people who touches fire like it's nothing. Heath Ledger did it once in that Julia Stiles movie and it was awesome.
I could totally do that.
Dad! Do you have a candle I can borrow? Yeah, it's for work. The internet is weird. Yeah, we do stuff like this all the time.
What did I miss? I've been running my hand under the cold water for an eternity. Spoiler: Kelsea cannot play with fire.
My hand is THROBBING. I've just skipped out of a round of Apples to Apples because I'm pretty sure holding a card would feel like my hand was being crushed in a vice.
Still pretty stoked on fire though. The way it just burns stuff? Crazy.
Wait, how do dragons just like, produce fire from their esophaguses?
Really though, has anyone figured this out? What's the science behind all this?
Apparently a lot of people have this question:
Oh, Scientific American, you glorious beacon of learning and science, you've done it again. Apparently, dragons are like this crazy beetle:
Take the bombardier beetle. This incredible insect evolved (yes, evolved) a way to harness the chaos of chemical reactions in a defense mechanism. When under threat, the beetle excretes two chemicals from two separate reservoirs that mix in a third, producing a very hot liquid and the gas needed to propel it into the face of some would-be predator.
Pardon the radio silence, everyone. I've spent the last few hours imaging I was Daenerys from Game of Thrones and that my dragons were refueling this never-ending Yule Log.
And yeah, I also tried to touch fire just one more time. Try, try again, right?
Merry Christmas, my little dragons.