'The Voice' Recap: Season 5 Is Alive

The Voice Season 5 has returned! Season five! I am ALIVE! Don't know about you cool cats, but I've been hibernating ever since the fourth season concluded back in June. It's as if it never left me. Great timing, NBC! And congrats on the Emmy win, too!

Yes, I was beyond amped to have Christina Aguilera and Cee Lo Green back in my life, but let us pour two out for Shakira and Usher. WAIT. I'll do you one better: I'll keep one leg up on my chair AND do physics-defying body rolls the entire season. That's how you honor legends. I'll say it: we NEED all six coaches. Someone figure out the "contestant-per-coach" math for me and make that fantasy happen. If you can't tell, I'm here for the coaches. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Buckle up, because we have approximately 32 weeks worth of blind auditions to slog through. Embrace it.

Okay, the coaches looked incredible. Much has been made of her warp-speed body transformation, but DAMN! Xtina was radiant last night. I will forever miss the times when she would saltily wave her paper fan while some poor soul struggled through Adele's "Someone Like You," but this happy, silly Xtina brought a bright energy to the show. Blake had that star quarterback quality we can't help but adore, Cee Lo looked so good with an inked dome and a red leather jacket that screamed "Beat It" (but we weren't leaving), and who else? Oh, right. Adam Levine. Adam had a beard that wouldn't let up, his arms were out on display, he was as hot as ever, and I'm going back into hibernation now.

The highlights of the night:

  • Loved Nic Hawk's weird take on "Hit 'Em Up Style," but then he did something really spectacular. When faced with choosing a coach, he confessed, "I don't know if I'll be able to focus [with Adam as my coach], because you're so good looking." Regardless, Nic chose Adam because Nic is a warm-blooded mammal.
  • Matthew Schuler's rendition of "Cough Syrup" generated a rapid-fire quadruple chair turn. Man, this show needs to update its catalogue. His sound is unique, clear, and stupidly pretty. I couldn't quite pinpoint who he sounded like, but the coaches lost their marbles over him. That song is so boring, though. I doff my cap to the man who can make something out of the musical equivalent of Nyquil. He chose Xtina, which I support wholeheartedly. His voice is crazy, her voice is the craziest, and I can't wait to see what they bring to the battle rounds (which will commence many, many moons from now).
  • At 54-years-old, Donna Allen is the oldest competitor. She is the oldest competitor AND she was in Miami Sound Machine. I didn't need to hear her audition to know she was my automatic favorite of the season, but hey, I listened. She brought the house down with "You Are So Beautiful." After she chose Adam as her coach, he went to congratulate her with a hug. She then did what a majority of the world wants to do: Donna Allen leapt into Adam Levine's arms and wrapped her legs around his body. If she doesn't win, I'll never speak to the show again.
  • Xtina broke out her paper fan to spank Adam when he nabbed hot commodity James Wolpert. The fan is back/is EVERYTHING.
  • The contestants' holding cell remains a makeshift Starbucks. One of the few constants in this ever-changing world.

Wow, I missed you, The Voice. If only you were on multiple times a week. Oh, that's right! As Donna Allen proved, dreams do come true. Dreams do. Come. True.

Image: NBC