Monday, on a very special episode of Conan, the Emmy-winning cast of Breaking Bad stopped by for an entire episode dedicated to AMC series. How lucky are we? Bryan Cranston, Aaron Paul, Anna Gunn, Bob Odenkirk, Dean Norris, Betsy Brandt, RJ Mitte, Jonathan Banks, and of course creator Vince Gilligan tested the limits of Conan's creative seating arrangements. Still, it can't be all positive: this episode was likely pretty confusing for anyone who's not caught up on the life-changing tale of Walter White, but I can't hear those people over the sound of my own excitement.
There were laughs, there were confessions of petty thievery, there were surprisingly dark moments for a late night variety show. Yep, this was an evening with the cast of Breaking Bad, and in case you missed it, here's everything you need to know about the hour of great chemistry.
1. THE BITCH COUNT WAS PRETTY LOW, BITCH.
Jesse Pinkman's classic conversational enhancement only showed up a few times: once when Paul himself said it to get the audience's overwhelming cheers out of the way and once to make Conan's name a little more festive for the occasion. "It's Conan, Bitch." (Looks like someone might be confusing Jesse with Britney, bitch.)
2. THEY RESPECT THE PIZZA
In Conan's skit about the BarrelFlex, the workout based on that time Walt had to roll his money barrel through the desert, an extra offer included PizzaTech, with which you tone your abs by throwing uncut pizza towards high targets.
3. SKINNY PETE PLAYS PIANO
Charles Baker, who plays Skinny Pete, is a musician and joined Conan's band to play keyboard for the evening.
4. ANNA GUNN IS A BADASS
After putting all the Skyler haters to shame with her Emmy win, Gunn brought her new golden baby with her to Conan's couch while she glowed with well-deserved pride. We always knew you had it in you, lady.
5. BRYAN CRANSTON WAS BORN WITH "SCARY FACE"
Paul, Conan, Andy Richter, and Cranston settled the debate by showing off their own resting, emotionless faces: Is Cranston's face just naturally scary? Yes. Yes it is.
5A: BRYAN CRANSTON ADORABLY PINCHED AARON PAUL'S "CUTE" FACE
Because his face is not scary, but one of the most adorable things to have graced television. Ever.
6. ONE LADY HAS A REALLY WEIRD SEX FANTASY ABOUT AARON AND BRYAN
After prefacing her letter, which she addressed to Cranston, with the claim that she's "never been diagnosed with a mental illness," this woman writes that she has a fantasy about having sex with Aaron Paul. But it gets better. She wants Cranston to watch: "I'm not sure what your role would be, but I think you should be there." Well, isn't that sort of sweet... in a twisted, yet considerate sort of way.
7. CONAN PLAYED THE "SHUT UP, SHUT UP" RINGTONE AND IT DESTROYED ANNA GUNN
But she got an Emmy for it, so she can't be that upset, no can she?
8. BRYAN CRANSTON LIKES PLAYING SEXY PRANKS
Like wearing only underwear. Or not wearing any underwear. (Also known as "pulling a Jon Hamm.") Or putting a can of hairspray in said underwear while cozying up to Gunn during a bedroom scene.
9. DEAN NORRIS THINKS HANK'S LAST MOMENT WAS "NICE"
You know, because Walt tries to save Hank from all the ruin he unleashed on his life. So adorable, right?
10. VINCE GILLIGAN IS DONE NOW. WITH EVERYTHING.
Gilligan admitted he feared he would die in an accident before he ever finished the series, but he's not so worried now. "I can die now. It's all good." Yeah. NBD.
11. BETSY BRANDT IS A REAL THIEF
Apparently, Brandt lives by the motto, "I don't think it's stealing if it's something you should have." Alright, so she only admitted to that rule allowing her to steal a silly little spoon from her flight to LA before the Emmys. Plus they won, so how bad could it be?
12. RJ MITTE'S MOM IS NO FUN
At the Breaking Bad wrap party, he wanted to get a tattoo with Paul and Cranston, but his mom whisked him away before he could do it. And according to Mitte, he still really wants that tattoo. Even if he has to let Conan give it to him. Dream that dream, Mitte.
13. JONATHAN BANKS IS A STICKLER FOR PERFECT GRAMMAR
The man who played Mike says he tried to get one of the writers to change a line for him. In the episode, Mike says, "Who killed who?" Banks fought long and hard for the Grammar Police, asking that they change the second "who" to "whom." Unfortunately for Mike and the English language, Banks lost. He's clearly still upset about it.
14. BOB ODENKIRK WASN'T A FAN OF THE SHOW
When he was cast, he'd never seen Breaking Bad. Ever. And he even admitted, in front of Conan and everyone, that it took him a while to actually watch that first season after her joined the cast. For shame!
15. DANNY TREJO MIGHT BE MAD AT CONAN
Because Conan brought back memories of his severed head on a tortoise by bringing in... a fake Danny Trejo severed head on a tortoise.
16. CONAN MAKES UP FOR AMC'S DIRTY LOW WINTER SUN TRICKS
Low Winter Sun burned us badly when AMC made us watch the first 15 minutes in order to get scenes from the next episode of Breaking Bad. Luckily, Conan's got our back, closing out his Breaking Bad special with this gem:
Our apologies to the cast of Low Winter Sun. We ran out of time.
Oh, burn, bitch.