If Celebrities Were Winter Storms, Zac Efron’s Would Boost the Temperature to 80 Degrees
With titles like Bozeman, Frona, and Gorgon, every year the winter storm names sound more like fantasy villains than climatic events. Plus, you can't use the same name twice and the names must go in alphabetical order. So whether the year's theme is Greek mythology or Roman Gods, every year when the storms get their titles, the names have to get progressively more obscure. Perhaps, next year, it would behoove the meteorologists to name winter storms after celebrities. Just a suggestion, guys.
I mean, winter storm Zac Efron sounds far less menacing than winter storm Quantum, right? Because climatic events have personalities just like humans, let's imagine what the blizzards and flurries named after your favorite actors and actresses would look like.
Winter Storm Amy
30 MPH winds with a few hours of large flakes, culminating in a cheerful rainbow. Six inches of snow will accumulate, schools will be closed down, but everyones driveway will be plowed by good samaritans. Children will spend their days off frolicking, making snow angels, and learning life lessons.
Winter Storm Benedict
Schools in some counties will be closed, but not in others. A moderate accumulation of snow amounting to about two inches accompanied by winds that wail with a sound akin to a baritone British accent.
Winter Storm Charlize
40 MPH winds, heavy flakes that do not stick. However, the air will smell curiously of J’Adore Dior for the week following this storm.
Winter Storm Daniel
A winter weather advisory will be in effect for two hours. 60 MPH winds will accompany heavy snowfall for that period, but like a felix felicis-altered Harry Potter, the mania will die down quickly. Schools will have a 90 minute delayed opening.
WInter Storm Emma
Light flurries and 15 MPH winds will comprise this polite snowstorm. School will be in session, just as Hermione would’ve wanted.
Winter Storm Fabio
There will be heavy snowfall alongside gale force winds. However everyone will be able to make it to school, because Fabio will ride up to each child’s door on his trusty steed, shirtless. On the way, he will take a detour to survey a sea cliff.
Winter Storm Gwyneth
Flurries that last for 10 hours with 5 MPH winds. Somehow, snow will not stick, because it has resolved to “consciously uncouple” with the ground.
Winter Storm Halle
Three inches of snow with 15 MPH winds. Precipitation with have the magical power to transform anyone into a symmetrically-faced human.
Winter Storm Ian
25 MPH winds and four inches of snow. Schools and workplaces in certain counties will be closed. People will spend their days off surveying majestic fields of white, with a tumbler of brandy in hand, reading the leather-bound works of Shakespeare.
Winter Storm Jennifer
40 MPH winds and five inches of heavy snowfall. Schools will be closed for two days, and snow will be infused with tequila. PARTAY!!
Winter Storm Kristen
Winter weather advisory lasts for four hours. Sleet will freeze into black ice, making the morning commute a disaster. The only appropriate reaction to this kind of weather will be the signature Kristen Stewart scoff of “Psst, whatever.”
Winter Storm Lupita
20 MPH winds and three inches of snowfall. Everyone will get lucky and school will be cancelled. Winter storm Lupita will be one that the public has a unilateral fondness for.
Winter Storm Matthew
Accumulation will be light, maybe about four inches, but it will be heralded as the blizzard of the century because it will happen in Texas. For centuries, people will re-tell tales of this storm McConaughey-like aphorisms: “The angels sprinkled flecks of cirrus clouds, like grated cheese.”
Winter Storm Nic
Crazy snowfall, amounting to about 32 inches. Large tracts of the Northeast will be snowed in. This is the crazy storm of the year that will be dubbed “Snowmageddon.”
Winter Storm Orlando
15 mph winds, about three inches of snow. 90 minute delay for schools, which kids will spend learning archery, like Legolas.
Winter Storm Parker
30 MPH winds and four inches of snow. The sun will come out quickly, causing the precipitation to melt easily.
Winter Storm Quvenzhané
20 MPH winds, and about five inches of adorable snowfall. Just enough to get kids out of school for the day, so that they can spend the day building forts and enjoying their youth.
Winter Storm Robert
This will be an intense and method-acting blizzard, much like De Niro as an actor. 40 MPH winds, with eight inches of snow. School is in session, because you’ve gotta work hard to be one of the greats.
Winter Storm Sandra
20 MPH winds two inches of friendly, agreeable snowfall. No school delays.
Winter Storm Tilda
Like one of Tilda’s moving performances, there will be 45 MPH winds and two inches of snow.
Winter Storm Uzo
Kind of like her character on Orange is the New Black, Aduba’s winter storm will be wacky but lovable. Two hours of heavy snowfall, with strong winds that die down to a sweet breeze.
Winter Storm Vanessa
Although the storm won’t result in much snow, it’ll be a subtle color of ombre. Kinda like Vanessa’s hair.
Winter Storm Woody
With 15 MPH winds and four inches of snowfall, this storm will be a regular old good time. Just like Woody.
Winter Storm Xzibit
OK, so, this is where the alphabetical order thing starts to break down a bit. 20 MPH winds and seven inches of snowfall. However, peoples’ cars will remain untouched. Some people say an elf came in the night to pimp all the rides in the world.
Winter Storm Yaya
This picturesque snowfall, three inches of snow and 5 mph winds, will be the perfect setting for an America’s Next Top Model shoot. Everybody smize.
Winter Storm Zac
Meteorologists will predict 10 inches of snow, which will send citizens running for grocery stores everywhere. However, conditions will clear up overnight, and temperatures will rise into the 80s, making it hot enough to take your shirt off.
