I've been waiting to say this in a truly suspenseful setting nearly my entire life, so here goes it: Drumroll, please. The day we have hoped, wished, prayed, sacrificed, and rain danced for is finally here, because Justin Bieber is going to be roasted on national television. While I'm sure we all wish we could be there in person to yell "BOOM. Roasted," as he stands in a cloud of humility, à la The Office, watching other people get the chance to do so is going to have to suffice. You can't have everything, guys.
Though let's give credit where it's due, because apparently Bieber has been asking to be roasted for quite some time, as evidenced by his excitable tweets. Whatever, though. If he's down for it, so am I, and it'll probably make us all feel a lot less guilty for enjoying it so much.
This roast is exciting for a number of reasons and it's not just because of Bieber's reckoning. This is clearly going to be a star-studded event. Who's going to be there? What are they going to say? How will The Biebs react?! So, let's do an appropriate amount of wishful thinking and ball park guessing to see how this showdown is going to go.
Let's be real, who doesn't want to roast their ex?
Let's be really real, who doesn't want to roast Justin Bieber?
I can imagine that she's been planning this out more intricately than her best selling albums and her amazingly referential cat names (which, same, except for the whole album thing).
So while she may be kinder and quieter than she wants to be at first, she's going to end up being all:
And that's why we love her. For her sass-a-frass.
While it would be gratifying to see T. Swift & Gomez take their shots, Rogen would probably be the one to hitch Biebs to the spit and churn him over the flames. Metaphorically, of course.
Because you just KNOW he's a wealth of secretive Bieber information. That's why his biceps are so big, they're full of secrets.
Which, if he did participate, Biebs should be frickin' honored.
Flying high on a wishful notion that she'll even be a part of it and do the roast as Bieber. So many possibilities.
Dream Bieber Reactions
At The Start He's Going To Try And Be All Cool Like This
Maybe He'll Even Shed A Chuckle Or Two, For The Cameras
Or as he probably calls them, "the camz."
But Then, It's Gunna Get Sorta Personal...
Like taking shots at his C+ skateboarding (Sorry dude, we all saw the video).
...And He AIN'T About That Life
Because skateboarding is hard.
And Biebs Has A Reputation To Uphold And Perpetuate
Or else how is he going to solidify a "Tony Hawk/Justin Bieber Skateboard & Melodies on Ice" tour?
But Honestly, He's Probably Just Gunna Be Doing A Lot Of This:
And ya know what Biebs, if I was being made fun of by my peers in front of the entire country, I'd be little pouty, too. Despite the whole asking for it thing.
And, Finally, The End Result
It'll Probably Just Make His Fans Even MORE Rabid And Willing To Defend Him MORE Vehemently Than They Did Before
...Actually, He'll Probably Even Gain Some New, Unexpected Fans
Because it is kinda cool to be willing to get publicly annihilated.
So, Really, J. Bizzle Is Going To Have The Last Laugh
Damn you and your perfect hair, Bieber. You always win.