I’m what you call a wedding grinch. I don’t understand shelling out what equates to the downpayment on a house for what equates to a party. I find bridal showers exceedingly boring. And that game where we wrap each other in toilet paper gowns between raiding the finger sandwich tray? Please tell me that has reached its tipping point. But nothing sends a shudder down my spine quite like a bachelorette party invitation.
I know that the tradition grew out of a 1960s push for sexual liberation. Men had been having their own pre-wedding parties since the 5th century BC, after all (those Spartans were players), and equality is a cause I can get behind. But I think somewhere between pinning the “hose” on the fireman and tossing pecker beach balls at one other, we’ve lost our way. I’m pretty sure that wearing a testicle-shaped lollipop around my neck during a hen night in Atlantic City is the least liberated I’ve felt in recent memory.
Yet, I go anyway. I continue RSVPing a begrudging “yes” because it’s not about me. I’ve seen enough episodes of Say Yes to the Dress to know the bride is boss. And if she tells me to spend my paycheck on plastic penis paraphernalia then, by George, my wardrobe gets a member makeover — no matter that I’m pushing 30 and way too old for this shit.
But it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it. In the spirit of grinning and bearing it, here are some handy-dandy responses the next time your betrothed BFF holds up some type of glow-in-the-dark willy accessory for you to sport. As for how to make those phallic cupcakes she requested? You’re on your own.
1. WHAT IT IS: A NAUGHTY HEADBAND
What you're thinking: “If a picture of me like this shows up online, my career prospects are ruined forever.”
What you say: “What do you say we all put our phones away so we can better enjoy this moment together?”
2. WHAT IT IS: THE BRIDE'S "SOON TO BE MRS." TIARA
What you're thinking: “What are you? 12?”
What you say: “Those pink diamonds really bring out your eyes!”
3. WHAT IT IS: A PHALLIC CANDY NECKLACE
...that strange men in the bar are supposed to nibble off of your neck, slobbering over your chest in the process.
What you're thinking: “Please don’t have any communicable diseases!”
What you say: “This sure does tickle!”
4. WHAT IT IS: A HOT PINK BOA
What you're thinking: “There’s nothing I like wrapped around my body more whilst getting sweaty and claustrophobic on the dance floor than synthetic feathers.”
What you say: “How cute!”
5. WHAT IT IS: A BLACK DRESS
...that matches the black dresses of all of the other maids, so the bride-to-be will stand out in white.
What you're thinking: “How original. I’ve never seen this before.”
What you say: “How original! I’ve never seen this before!”
6. WHAT IT IS: A "BRIDAL SUPPORT CREW" PIN
What you're thinking: “I can’t believe I have to poke a hole through my favorite LBD with this cheap thing.”
What you say: “I think this will be more visible attached to my clutch!”
7. WHAT IT IS: A BACHELORETTE PARTY SASH THAT READS "BRIDE'S BITCH"
What you're thinking: “Let’s set feminism back by referring to ourselves with derogatory slang, shall we?”
What you say: “I’ll take mine in pink!”
8. WHAT IT IS: "PECKER INSPECTOR" BADGE
What you're thinking: “I actually find that to be a pretty clever rhyme.”
What you say: “I appreciate the wordplay!”
9. WHAT IT IS: UNDERWEAR BEDAZZLED WITH "WHERE'S THE PARTY?"
What you're thinking: "I could have bought a latte with this money."
What you say: “I can’t believe these only cost $3.99!”
10. WHAT IT IS: THE CONDOM-COVERED VEILS
What you're thinking: “This feels slightly sacrilegious.”
What you say: “I hope no one's allergic to latex!”
Images: Getty; Giphy