Hello, humans — it has been quite some time since our last correspondence, and I am sorry to report that my coveted position as Dan Bilzerian's only princess cat is now in jeopardy. You see, Dan and my mother of sorts, Andreea, have found another feline that they claim was meant to keep me company. But I am older and wiser, and know that Dan Bilzerian's new cat, Penelope, is vying for my crown. But fret not, humans, despite having only three legs, I'm the scrappiest Persian dollface you'll ever encounter, and no cat, four-legged or otherwise, is going to take me down without a fight. Or a tussle of absolute, almost unbearable cuteness, as you seem to perceive it.
I first met Penelope (a much less unique and invigorating name than mine, wouldn't you agree?) three days ago, when she was unceremoniously tossed into my favorite spot on the bed. Andreea was already calling her "family," which is confusing to me because I don't remember ever agreeing to a sibling. Humans are incredibly selfish, as you may well know, and I don't take kindly to this obvious lack of consideration, which is why our first photograph together makes me look a bit, well, scary.
There may be room for approximately 2,390 women in Dan Bilzerian's life, but there is room for only cat, and it's name is me. I mean Smushball. The original.
Andreea, of course, has not quite gotten the message, and instead asked how best to socialize me with my new "sister." News flash, mom, there will be no socializing in this house, especially not when the newbie thinks it's even remotely acceptable to infringe upon my personal space. And let's be honest, everything is considered my personal space.
In what I can only assume was an effort to confuse me, Dan and Andreea then proceeded to give Penelope the same lion's haircut that I popularized, you know, last year. If they thought this would trick me into believing that I was only looking at my reflection when I looked at Penelope, I want to take this opportunity to tell the world that they were woefully mistaken. I know my perfect face when I see it, and that mug isn't it.
Of course, the humans, in the naivete that is so typical of their species, believe that I am already "best friends" with Penelope, and that I am generous enough to share my electronics with her. But do not be fooled. This is just the facade I put up to garner more treats and attention.
To be fair, though, it was getting just a tiny bit lonely being the only cat in such a big house. And there is such a thing as too much attention, you know. I tried to channel my inner Grumpy Cat to express my malcontent to Dan and Andreea, but they don't always understand me as well as my kind do.
So Penelope, you're on my watch list, but behave yourself well enough, and you may just be able to share my throne. Well, not entirely share it, but sit slightly below me, as the world should be.