In American history, a few mustaches have established themselves as the stuff of legend. Among them, we have Teddy Roosevelt's under-nose-caterpillar, Burt Reynolds' 1970s full upper-lip bush, and Ron Swanson's luscious woodsman 'stache. But it's a sad day for facial hair, because Nick Offerman has shaved his mustache and is therefore walking around with a bare muzzle. Not to sound paranoid, but does this mean that Tammy 2 is back in town? She is, after all, the only person who could convince Swanson to part with his most prized feature.
Luckily, your favorite curmudgeonly lumber sexual hasn't shorn his entire visage. PHEW! I got a little worried there for a sec. Judging from some pictures snapped of the Parks and Recreation actor over the weekend at the Sundance Film Festival, it looks like he still has some facial hair on the perimeter of his face. He appeared at the premiere of Me and Earl and the Dying Girl with a decidedly Amish-looking chin beard and a shockingly bare mouth area. The folks over at Vulture opined that Offerman's new whiskers give him the look of an "older Mose Schrute" Dwight's cousin onThe Office, which seems to be pretty spot on. (Strangely, a mustache-less Offerman looks like the long lost brother of Rainn Wilson.) But if we're just judging on the beard's shape, I would call this look the modern Abraham Lincoln. Only his whiskers are a bit shorter, a bit better trimmed, and they're set off with a beanie instead of a top hat.
Here's the black and white version...
The sight of a mustache-free Nick Offerman may be shocking at the moment, and will definitely take some getting used to, but nobody would be more emotionally affected by this recent shave than Ron himself. When someone breaks the news of the shearing to him, Swanson will be in denial, saying something like: "If this is a joke, I don't take kindly to jokes. A joke is another version of a lie."
Then, the weight of the truth will bare down on him like a ton of freshly-chopped birchwood.
His herculean wrath will know no bounds...
Then, the sentimental musings will come. Never one for sharing his feelings, he'll muse internally on all the good times he had with his 'stache.
All the flecks of meat that hid in its fronds like buried treasure.
All the ice cream cones that were smeared across it...
All the breakfast buffets they shared.
With the knowledge that the mustache will live on forever in glory, Swanson will come to terms with the loss.
Because great 'staches never truly die.
Image: Getty Images; Giphy (8)