Something is happening, so social media is naturally abuzz. I mean, in this care, we are talking about a huge blizzard that's coming to lay snowy waste to the east coast of the US, but still, you know even if we were just facing a light drizzle, social media would be all up in that business. Given the phenomenal scale of what's about to unleash on us east coasters, however, the fever pitch we're feeling as we're rushing around the supermarket grabbing last minute supplies (okay, Skittles, beer, and chocolate) is matched only by the sheer hysteria on social media. DOES A BLIZZARD EVEN HAPPEN IF YOU DON'T POST TO EVERY SINGLE SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM ABOUT IT?!
Don't get me wrong: I've been using social media for all my blizzard news. It's a great way to keep on top of what the weather experts and De Blasio are saying through a simple hashtag search. The only thing is, it's a blizzard. We don't need three million people's "opinions" on it. How can you even have an opinion on a blizzard anyway? Like "Man, that blizzard today was being such a bitch," or "That blizzard was so Photoshopped, you can tell," or "Why shouldn't one blizzard that really loves another blizzard be able to marry that blizzard?" It's not a huge social issue—it's a snow storm. But as it goes, something is happening so literally everyone you know is going to have something to say about it. And, without fail, they will mostly all be saying the exact same things. Here are seven kinds of social media posts you can expect to see during the blizzard (or any weather event ever, to be honest).
1. The Overly Dramatic Post
Like, don't cry, man. It's going to be okay. You know what's actually the worst? Genocide. That's something that's worse than this blizzard. There are a lot of things worse than dealing with severe weather from the comfort of a well-equipped city where you likely have a warm home stocked with food and internet and video games to wait it out. Every time a natural disaster hits a metropolitan area, including cities that maybe see only one storm a year, there are always people who scream "APOCALYPSE!" not unlike Randy Marsh in the Cloverfield episode of South Park .
2. The Too Cool For This Blizzard Post
These people have seen some shit, y'know? Like, they're HARD. They don't care about the blizzard at all. PFFT. They scoff in the face of historic blizzards. Oh, you actually care about the several feet of snow headed our way? You must not be from here. Watch how much I don't care about this.
3. The Dedicated Foodie Post
This will either be "OMG look how gourmet I'm going to be for the blizzard" or "LOL look how bad I am at life, I just got all this candy HAHA." Both ways suck pretty hard. We get it, you're preparing for the blizzard. You want to know why we get it? BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DOING THE SAME THING. The rest of just don't feel the need to show off about it.
4. The Boring Snow Photo Post
Thank you for this. Without it, I wouldn't have known what snow looked like. It's not like I can see the exact same thing by looking outside with my eyes or anything.
These are not the people who go out of their way to capture a particularly beautiful angle of morning light hitting the snow on their fire escape, or really any other attempt at conveying something aesthetically meaningful. They're just showing you a blurry, boring street, covered in snow. Or their back porch. God, people can't get enough of their boring ass back porch covered in snow.
5. The Manic Pixie Dream Girl Post
The people who post these photos are basically just using the snow, like most things in life, as a prop to illustrate how adorable they are. This kind of post can come from a male too. It's the kind of post that goes out of its way to make the whole thing SO WHIMSICAL AND MAGICAL. These are the types of people that are going to Valencia filter the shit out of their snowman pictures, mid-storm, because isn't this just like, the cutest blizzard ever [add one million emojis forever]?!
6. The Joke Post
There's always one person that ruins it for everyone else. The type of person that sees every newsworthy event as an opportunity to show how truly funny they are. It's like all the news is a stage just waiting for them to make jokes upon.
7. The Take Care Of Each Other, You Guys Post
No, you guys, seriously. Seriously. This is a moment when we need to all come together and just take care of each other. Like, I don't even care if you and I aren't getting along right now, if you run out of food or batteries or need help picking an Instagram filter, just come to my house. My door is open. We're all in this together.
This person will never fail to remind everyone to be careful while driving and to "just get home safely."
8. The No Post Post
The true heroes of the social media blizzard are the ones who post nothing at all. Today, we thank you for your silence. There's nothing to say. It's a blizzard. It's cold. It sucks. Let's just continue posting funny animal videos and Clickhole articles for each other like it's a normal day, because it pretty much is.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy