If you watched the Screen Actors Guild awards Sunday night, you may have noticed a familiar-looking person in the audience who was purported to be Zach Galifianakis. This person was sitting with the cast of Birdman (like the real Zach Galifianakis would) in the seat designated for Galifianakis, but looked almost nothing like the man we've come to know. Rather than the Between Two Ferns comedian, this person happened to look more like a face-meld of a litany of other recognizable actors. That's when it clicked in my mind that the Birdman actor has been hiding something from us throughout his career. Zach Galifianakis looked different at the SAG awards, because his true parents are actually Joaquin Phoenix and Will Forte. It's so simple!!!
OK, guys. I kid. Being entirely serious, it just looks like the Hangover actor lost a little weight and shaved the beard we've all grown used to. Furthermore, the timing doesn't work out with Phoenix and Forte being Zachy G's true parents because at the time that he was born, the other two actors didn't exist. At 45, Galifianakis is older than both Forte, 44, and Phoenix, 40. Reality and reason, however, are both super boring. I prefer to live in a world where everyone is the result of an old-school Conan show "If They Mated" pair up. If we're playing this game, New Galifianakis is a gimme. He has the eyes of Forte, and the everything else of Phoenix. See for yourself.
Annnnd, one more for the road!
It's a real thing, guys. If you don't believe me, take a look at Phoenix. Note the fullness of his brows, and the shape of his nose.
And here is Forte. Note the slightly turned-down eyes and openness of his face.
One more time, with gusto, here is Zach Galifianakis 2.0: a perfect combination of Forte and Phoenix phenotypes.
He can hide from us no longer.
Image: Getty Images (5)