Perhaps you woke up this morning not even knowing this was a special day, but oh boy, have I got news for you, because January 27 is National Chocolate Cake Day! Maybe you're like me and you thought National Chocolate Cake Day was every day... and you'd be wrong, but in some ways, you'd be very very right. Screw diamonds, chocolate cake is a girl's best friend. And like any best friend worth her weight in diet coke and yoga pants, chocolate cake can help you celebrate your highest highs, as well as get you through some pretty tough times.
And chocolate cake isn’t like your high maintenance friend who wants to hear about your life for two minutes for every 20 she talks about hers. Nope, cuz chocolate cake is selfless and doesn’t expect anything in return. There through thick and thin, available in a variety of sweetness levels and textures, able to turn on your salivary glands in an instant, chocolate cake is your female companion that you will grow old with — lacking a need for other outside relationships. You’ll braid each other’s hair, and keep each other company until you both die on those front porch rocking chairs. What I’m trying to say is chocolate cake is the best, and that’s why we salute it: Thank you for helping us through the important ebbs and flows of life, chocolate cake! Here are eight times we absolutely needed you, and eight times you truly delivered.
1. When we got a new job
Chocolate cake is so stoked for you when pounding the pavement finally pays off. Chocolate cake wants to be the first person to congratulate you, and it wants to line your nervous stomach on your first day of work. It'll even meet you for lunch every day until you figure out where to sit. Honestly, what other friend could do that for you? Chocolate cake, you're the best!
2. When we got fired
Uh oh. Nobody likes to get fired, but chocolate cake isn't going to try to make you feel bad about it. Chocolate cake isn't going to point out that maybe you shouldn't have been on the Internet all day at work, or made fun of that annoying guy's tie. No, chocolate cake is going to be a pal and make jokes with you about your former boss' notorious coffee breath. And it's also going to be there while you're trolling through Craigslist to find your next cubicle maze day-haunt. Chocolate cake already knows this firing was a blessing in disguise.
3. When we got the tingles of L.O.V.E.
Chocolate cake is there for you during every milestone of love: awesome first date, wait he just called me his girlfriend, oh my god I just want to say "I love you," anniversaries, the proposal, and beyond. Thank you, chocolate cake, for tasting how love feels.
4. ...or the despair of a breakup
Yes, chocolate cake is a lover, not a fighter, but that doesn't mean it's gonna bail when there's a break in your relationship. Hell no! Chocolate cake would never leave you. And when your friends are sick of listening to how much you miss your ex, chocolate cake will still be listening and nodding and getting your sheets all sticky and gross.
5. When we celebrated our birthdays!
Chocolate cake IS your birthday. Chocolate cake is normally cool going au natural, but it looooves to get all gussied up for this occasion — oh yeah, get that frosting all over me, write on me, throw some candles on top. Make no mistake, chocolate cake wants to wear 6" heels for your birthday, OK? If you didn't already know that, you've been doing it wrong.
6. When somebody died :'(
First of all, rest in peace Thomas J. It's been 24 years since My Girl came out, and I'm still not over your death. The loss of a loved one (even fictional) is one of the most tragic cards life can deal. I'm not suggesting chocolate cake can fill the gaping hole in your heart after such a traumatic event, but it can fill a hole in your tummy and provide a gentle reminder that even though it doesn't seem like it now, there will be sweet days ahead.
7. When we were celebrating success
Whether you got a promotion, had a stellar opening night, or just graduated from Hogwarts, chocolate cake wants to be there to help you celebrate life's little victories. Plus, chocolate cake is totally secure in itself and already knows how good it is, so it never gets jealous when good things happen to you. You + chocolate cake = BFFs 4ever.
8. When we were eating our feelings
Chocolate cake wants the best for you, and doesn't want you to feel stressed. So if you need someone to take all that nervous energy out on, chocolate cake is here, and it tastes delicious.
So go ahead, just have a bite in honor of one of the greatest multi-purpose desserts of all time, and my best friend... chocolate cake.
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