Dude Writes 7-Page Essay About Penises

What do you do when the only thing standing between you and getting laid is a 7-page essay about your penis? Obviously, you crowd source it! At least, that was the thinking of a lonely Tinder user, who turned to Reddit when one feisty Tinder match gave him the assignment of composing a lengthy treatise on the worthiness of his...equipment. The remarkable thing in this case is not simply that the Tinder user—who goes by the dubious name of “u/ball-in-ass”—took the request seriously, but that someone actually responded. Within a few hours of asking his fellow Redditors for help, u/ball-in-ass actually possessed a 7-page composition about his penis (and penises in general) that makes the plea:

I am but a man, and what more can I say than to suggest that, as a part of your continued pursuit of the perfect form, you consider myself to be but a humble step towards the experience of all that the Egyptians and Romans considered to be the pathway to heaven?

What more indeed?

This saga of writing, Tinder-ing and Reddit-ing began a few weeks ago when u/ball-in-ass was matched with Noelle, a 19-year-old who, enigmatically, likes “do things sometimes that involve other things.”

Our hero cut right to the chase and asked the question on everyone's minds: Does "things" refer to dicks?

Noelle's response could be read in one of two ways: either she is trying to give him the brush off using a sarcastic demand for something ridiculous or she has a college writing fetish and is DTF with anyone who can write a clear, sexy thesis statement supported by sensuously well-argued sub-theses and—ooo, honey—proper citation. About penises. Guess which way u/ball-in-ass interpreted it?

Apparently not up to the task of writing a manifesto on his own penis, our noble swain issued a desperate plea to Reddit on Monday. Not one to let a dude miss an opportunity, reddit user u/WithinMyGrasp offered his services, remarking, "I'm actually bored (and sad and lonely) enough to do this." True his word, u/WithinMyGrasp returned a few hours later, penile essay in hand. The Penis Treatise, as I have dubbed it, considers the "male member" in relation to a variety of cultural markers, including ancient architecture, Plato's forms, and Jungian conceptions of the collective unconscious. The whole piece is available on Google Docs, but you can read its opening sally here:

When it comes to the existence of objects that have morphed and changed, in part due to their perception throughout the course of history, it does not take long before one begins to consider objects of exceedingly long, cylindrical, and rounded nature. The reader has but to consider the iconically Ionic columns of the Parthenon, the obelisks of ancient Egypt, or the steles of Persia before realizing the true extent to which such objects have been the focus of ancient, and present, attention.

I know the question you're all asking: Did it work?

Sadly, no. u/ball-in-ass writes, "She said I missed the deadline, but she will still take it into consideration because it's so beautifully written." He continues to try to winner her over, only to be cruelly shut down yet again:

Poor u/ball-in-ass. At least you've found a friend in u/WithinMyGrasp. Is there any bond stronger than that which is forged by writing an essay about someone's dick? I think not.

Images: Universal Pictures; Imgur (3)