It's that time of year again, my friends. That time when all everyone will be talking about is the 2015 Super Bowl, while I — and the rest of my fellow non-football fans — quietly shuffle off to the side and try not to stand in front of the TV despite our fervent wish that we could watch anything else. The Super Bowl is one of those sacred events, like any Taylor Swift album release or, like, the Oscars, that you're either super into or super hate. However, even if you super hate football, you can still at least tune in for the halftime show featuring Katy Perry — or not, because you're not a fan of her either. Awkward. So what is a person to do if they're not huge on football or Katy Perry (or, somehow, her guest performer Lenny Kravitz)? Or if they're huge on football but not huge on Katy Perry? I mean, it sounds like Sunday, February 1 is going to be the secret circle of hell either way.
Fear not, my Super Bowl or Katy Perry-indifferent friends. You are not alone, and, because you are not alone, I am happy to provide you with help for what to do when all of the televisions in your house have been commandeered by Perry fans. Let them park themselves on the couch with their Budweiser and three different kinds of chips. Let them roar at the game and then at Perry's titular song. Let them have their halftime show, while you do these nine better things instead. You won't have time to finish all of them in the time span of the halftime show, but you can try.
1. Watch The Interview on Netflix
You know what's on Netflix right now? America's favorite movie, The Interview. Granted, it might not actually be America's favorite movie, but watching it makes a statement and that statement is, "In America, we do whatever the heck we want." Apparently. It's not often you can watch a film that is also a political statement. Surely that's got to be better than whatever Perry is doing during the halftime show.
2. Watch Anything on Netflix
Netflix is an endless resource of shows and films, so comprehensive that most people who don't even own a television just have Netflix instead. Do you want to catch up on the last season of Scandal? Or The 100? Maybe you want to binge-watch Friends now that Netflix has that available as well. Whatever treasures you can mine from Netflix are totally worth it and probably totally better than the halftime show.
3. Catch Up On Jane The Virgin
You can watch Jane The Virgin on Hulu+, Google Play, iTunes, and the CW website, for those of you who want to see what all the fuss about the ridiculous-sounding show is all about. After all, Gina Rodriguez took home a Golden Globe for her work on the telenovella and, let me tell you as a fan, it's not just better than it sounds. It is everything. Perry's halftime show is something, but it's no Jane The Virgin.
4. Go See A Movie
This, of course, mainly applies to those who aren't fans of Perry or of football. You're not getting your television back until the Super Bowl is over, so why not grab some friends and go see a movie? Project Almanac comes out on Friday and how many found footage horror movies do you know that have time travel as the major plot? It might be worth checking out.
5. Taylurk On Taylor Swift
Ever since she got a Tumblr, Taylor Swift has been devoting mass amounts of her time to taylurking on her fans, reblogging (or retweeting) their videos and pictures and comments. Because Swift cares about her fans. And because Swift has too much time on her hands. Instead of watching Perry sashay across the stage in colorful outfits, why don't you go taylurk on Swift for a change?
6. Dance To Better Music
Watch the halftime show — but put your iPod earbuds in. Suddenly, Perry is dancing to Beyoncé or Nicki Minaj or John Legend or whoever else you decide has better music than she does. One Direction, perhaps? Whatever you're into, you can layer it over Perry's performance and have the most fun watching a halftime show that you've had since Beyoncé and Destiny's Child knocked the lights out.
7. Read A Book
I heard Kendall and Kylie Jenner actually wrote one. Maybe this is the time you should use to check it out?
8. Take A Selfie
You'd have time to take enough selfies to make your own book of them (like Kim Kardashian), if you're so inclined. You can watch Perry's performance online at some point, but you'll only have this awesome hair and perfect lighting for a few more minutes. Let me take a selfie.
9. Start Predicting Who You Want To Perform Next Year
My answer is always Beyoncé, but, hey, maybe you have some other artists you'd like to see. Make a list. Make a long list. Then don't look at the television, because then you'll just remember that you have to wait a year for the next halftime show and it will depress you. And, remember, not wanting to watch the halftime show doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you're not that big on Perry — and that's OK!
Image: Getty Images