17 Completely Ridiculous Super Bowl Items You Should Buy Right Now

One of the greatest things leading up to game day is the variety of uh, interesting gear that pops up on the internet. Forget real or counterfeit Super Bowl merchandise — whether of the Seahawks' and Patriots' — maybe this year stock up instead on these weird, completely necessary Super Bowl-themed products...

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JELL-O Super Bowl Jigglers

Superbowl Jell-O Molds, $10, Amazon

Jell-O in the shape of footballs! And helmets! The only way I’d spend money on this is if the product description included the disclaimer: “Guaranteed to make you feel like you’re actually eating tiny, wobbly Tom Brady heads.”

Image: Jell-O/Amazon

Sports Fanatic Football Shaped Pick Candles

Football Pick Candles, $5, Amazon

Baby football candles on wooden picks? Delightful! They also emit the succulent scent of burnt football leather? Even better!

Image: Creative Converting /Amazon

NFL Super Bowl XLIX Trophy Layon Cake Decoration

The weird spiky green cake caught my eye initially, but then I realized, belatedly, that the cake isn’t actually included! It’s literally just a plastic replica of the Super Bowl trophy. What, am I supposed to go to the store and buy a separate cake?! This is capitalism gone wrong.

Image: Papalardo/Amazon

Drawer Pull Knob Sports Balls NFL Super Bowl MAN CAVE Father's Day Gift

Football Door Nob, $5, Amazon

Setting aside this product’s absurd name, it’s actually quite practical for your daily doorknob-turning activities. Marketing itself as both “decorative and functional,” this football doorknob cover MAN CAVE Father’s Day Gift (what even..?) is the ideal decoration to complete your Super Bowl party, allowing guests the sensation an actual football as they hurriedly turn your bathroom doorknob with just enough grip to throw themselves at the toilet, hurling ‘til their heart’s content. Wonderful.

Image: Open Road /Amazon

Super Bowl 49 (XLIX) Hello Kitty Pin - Stadium

Hello Kitty Superbowl Pin, $5, Amazon

Obviously Hello Kitty loves football. Obviously Hello Kitty should be immortalized on a football pin. Obviously you should spend $10, including shipping, on this.

Image: aminco /Amazon

NFL Seattle Seahawks Sports Team Girls Fashion Wear Glitter Jerseys Sparkle Dangle Charm Gift Earring Set

Seattle Seahawks Earrings, $9, Amazon

Yeah! These glittery Seahawk jersey earrings aren’t tacky at all!

Image: Silver_Sales_LLC /Amazon

10" Football Shaped Hanging Paper Lantern

Brown paper lanterns shaped like footballs dangling from my ceiling kind of remind me of other, um, brown, oval-shaped things that I probably shouldn’t mention outright. But you’ll figure it out.

Image: Creative Converting/Amazon

Super Bowl XLIX Party Pack for 18 Guests Including a Table Cover

Official licensed NFL Super Bowl XLIX dinner plates, snack plates, napkins, table cloth. I love eating off a garish, over-saturated picture of the stadium and a giant football, with the sleek grey words “XLIX” drilling a hole into my eyes.

Image: G’s Emporium/Amazon

Inflatable Goal Post Cooler with Football for Parties

Goal Post Cooler, $26, Amazon

A classy addition to the party! My favorite thing in the world is to pretend to score a touchdown as I drunkenly fall into an inflatable goal post and end up with a concussion from smashing my head against the beer cooler.

Totally worth it.

Image: Beistle/Amazon

Football Solid Milk Chocolate

This one’s a little confusing. It’s called “Deflate Gate ,N.F.L, Solid Milk Chocolate, deflate to zero, within the rules, Superbowl Partiesf.” So… Deflatable chocolate?

Whatever this turns out to be, it’s definitely the most tragically unappetizing nugget of chocolate I have ever seen.

Image: Shopitivity LLC/Amazon

Chocolate Covered Oreo Cookies Seahawks Green Blue 12th Man Sweet Treats Cookies SUPER BOWL Desserts Party Favors

Chocolate Dipped Oreos, $25, Amazon

Another exhaustingly long name, this one should have just been called “Seahawk-colored Oreos” or something. They’re probably not that bad, but can’t people just leave Oreos be in their natural state??

Well, OK, there’s probably nothing “natural” about Oreos, anyway. I’ll let this one slide.

Image: Fuzzy Duck/Amazon

1-Pack Game Day Football Centerpiece, 7-Inch by 13-Inch

Game Day Football Center Piece, $5, Amazon

Wow, a centerpiece to go with your official licensed Super Bowl table cover! No, the colors won’t clash at all, and yes, the sparkly white and green top that reminds me of hair is very chic.

Image: Beistle/Amazon

Richard Sherman 2014 Seattle Seahawks Super Bowl XLVIII Bobblehead Limited Ed.

Yes, it’s from last year’s game, but it’s still totally appropriate for this weekend. Perfect for decorating your dashboard, so in the event that the Seahawks lose, you’ll have Sherman to glare at in disappointment while you’re stuck in traffic.

Image: Forever Collectibles/eBay

Seattle Seahawks New England Patriots Super Bowl XLIX Logo Golf Balls

For diehard football fans who want to remember the 2015 Super Bowl forever and ever — use it on the greens, or display it proudly on your China shelf at home!

Image: 123-pavel/eBay

Game Day Football Canopy

No party is complete without a canopy, and this one even has the words “Game Day” on it! Unfortunately, neither the balloons nor the table decorations are included, but rest assured this party canopy will be a hit regardless.

Image: Windy City Novelties

Lot of 12 Football Clappers Party Favors Game Noisemaker Clacker

Yes!!! As if your screech won’t be heard down the block, these clappers will help liven things up while you watch the game. Also useful if you aspire to be the most irritating person in the room — just clap these babies right next to other people’s ears, and voila! You win.

Image: sell-il/eBay

Foam Mini Fingers

Mini Foam Fingers, $6, Amazon

This is possibly the greatest of football gear, because how else would you express your undying enthusiasm for the Super Bowl besides covering each of your fingers with foam finger of its own?

Image: Fun Express/Amazon