Here's What Mitt Should Do Next

On Friday morning, former Massachusetts governor and two-time presidential hopeful Mitt Romney ended his exploratory campaign for a third election bid, citing a three week fact-finding mission that returned less than enthusiastic numbers in his favor. Aides told the Associated Press that the decision not to pursue a third campaign wasn't an easy one for Romney to make, calling it a deeply personal and painful one. So now that he has one less (massive) project on his plate, what will the Detroit native do next?

While speculation has arisen that the perfectly-coiffed business pro may end up assisting Jeb Bush's presidential bid in some way or another, it's unclear whether Romney would even accept a subordinate role in his one-time competitor's reach for the top. While the rest of the world speculates as to his next political move, we've decided to compile a list of things that Romney should really be looking into instead.

Do Something Charitable

While Romney has given away millions to charity over the past few years alone, 80 percent of those donations were made to his own church (the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), which uses the money to fund temple construction, general welfare and relief programs within the Mormon community, missionary grants, and emergency relief efforts worldwide as seen fit. And though it's a start, perhaps the ex-governor could use a bit of time in the sun himself (even if his perpetual orange glow suggests otherwise).

Romney might do well to take a page out of Angelina Jolie or Bill Clinton's book and plant a tree or something. He's proven that he's in great shape at 67 (the man runs three miles every morning, for pete's sake). Maybe channeling some of that energy into a volunteer program for youth could do some good for his slightly-too-polished public image. It wouldn't be too much of a stretch for him either: when Hurricane Sandy slammed the East Coast in 2012, the then-presidential candidate canceled all of his appearances to lend a hand to the relief effort.

If that fails for some reason, he can always just dump a bunch of money out of an airplane flying over his hometown of Detroit.

Open a Burger/Hot Dog/Pizza Joint

Hear me out: a few weeks ago, Ellen Degeneres introduced on her show an inspiring business owner name Mason Wartman who, after working a high paying job on Wall Street for three years, decided to drop everything and open up a pizza joint instead. Through his "pay it forward" business model, Rosa's Fresh Pizza provides food for the homeless through a unique sharing method, which allows customers to buy a second slice for a displaced stranger for just a dollar. The strategy has paid off: NPR reports that over the past nine months, customers (some of whom are homeless themselves) have purchased over 8,400 slices for neighbors in need.

With his business acumen (and, again, his heaps of cash), Romney could easily invest some of his funds in a delicious burger-joint-that-gives-back of his own. And he wouldn't exactly be alone in this venture either — wife Ann has already published a cookbook full of all-American favorites to warm reception.

We're totally ready to try out those famous Meatloaf Cakes.

Become a Motivational Speaker

Whether you love him or hate him, one thing is certain: Mitt Romney can write a great speech. During his 2007 presidential campaign, the former governor took fellow candidate Mike Huckabee to task for saying nasty things about his Mormon faith by delivering a moving speech, titled "Faith in America", at the George Bush Presidential Library in College Station, Texas. In the speech, Romney wrote:

The diversity of our cultural expression, and the vibrancy of our religious dialogue, has kept America in the forefront of civilized nations even as others regard religious freedom as something to be destroyed.

In such a world, we can be deeply thankful that we live in a land where reason and religion are friends and allies in the cause of liberty, joined against the evils and dangers of the day. And you can be certain of this: Any believer in religious freedom, any person who has knelt in prayer to the Almighty, has a friend and ally in me. And so it is for hundreds of millions of our countrymen: We do not insist on a single strain of religion — rather, we welcome our nation's symphony of faith.

It was a simple enough rebuttal, but his delivery and his self-penned words were elegant enough to make even the staunchest skeptic a little bit verklempt. With a bachelor's degree in English, he probably has a good grasp of language dynamics as well. And if you're worried about costly ticket prices or mammoth speaking fees, don't be: in a speech at Mississippi State University on Wednesday evening, Romney joked, "I’m not even thinking about getting rich from the speaking fees ... As you no doubt hear, I’m already rich."

Try Modeling For J.C. Penney (Or, You Know, Retire)

After Romney conceded the 2012 election to President Obama, the social mediasphere was atwitter with jokes about exit polls, vacation homes, and binders full of women. But a few people were already planning his post-election calendar for him. YouTube user FunnyBrian put together a list of things Romney could do next, including "Buy more shirts at Costco (and then buy Costco)", "Start doing P90X with Paul Ryan", and "Go back to modeling for J.C. Penney". While Romney might not have a background in modeling, it's a safe bet that he'd fit in pretty well with the clothing company's aesthetic.

If modeling for the department store doesn't sound like a viable option, there's always retirement. With a herd of grandchildren (seriously, he has 18 of them) and a circle of close friends who have probably grown tired of never being able to visit, it probably wouldn't be the worst thing ever if Romney decided to just hang up his coat and relax on the front porch with his family and a glass of something non-alcoholic. After 40 years of work, he probably deserves it anyway.

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