Miley Cyrus' MTV Documentary Makes Five Big Mistakes and One Big Win

After the months of white noise following the premiere of "We Can't Stop" and the subsequent performance at the MTV VMAs, it can't be easy to be Miley Cyrus. The chatter has been incessant, biting, and cruel since it began. Now, Miley is telling her side of the story in MTV's Miley: The Movement documentary; it's only fair that we listen.

The problem is that in many ways, Miley is still missing the point.

We're almost with you, girl

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After the months of white noise following the premiere of "We Can't Stop" and the subsequent performance at the MTV VMAs, it can't be easy to be Miley Cyrus. The chatter has been incessant, biting, and cruel since it began. Now, Miley is telling her side of the story in MTV's Miley: The Movement documentary; it's only fair that we listen.

The problem is that in many ways, Miley is still missing the point.

1She's an Individual, But You're Just A Member of Her Army

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Miley spends most of the documentary extolling the virtues of individualism. In her words:

I’m at a point where I’m so lucky not to have to fit in ... Everyone’s gotta be somewhat the same and I want to go against that.

There's just one giant issue here, missy. The doc is called Miley: The Movement and you're going on and on about your "army." At one point, Miley even says, "We gotta all be soldiers and marching, but we gotta be smiling." Apparently, on Planet Miley, only Miss Cyrus gets to go against the grain. The rest of yous had better get in line and march, SMilerz.

2Beyonce Did It First... And Miley Didn't Learn From Her Mistakes

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As she was working up to her own media explosion, Beyonce released a documentary aimed to tell her side of a very one-side media narrative (only in Bey's case, the noise was largely positive). Life is But a Dream was but a glossy, equally one-side take on how King Bey wants to be seen by her fans. It was so over-the-top, Dodai Stewart at Jezebel referred to it as a "Theatrical infomercial".

Miley's movie fell victim to all the same self-indulgent issues, rendering it a carefully curated instructional video that should probably have its title changed to "Learning to Accept Miley Cyrus For The Spectacle She Is." We weren't going behind the scenes, we are instead given choice glimpses behind the curtain.

3There's a Reason "Sexy Babies" Aren't Funny

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When Miley finally takes a moment to defend her highly controversial Video Music Awards performance, she laughs it off, saying she did it because it was funny -- "otherwise I wouldn't have dressed up like a damn bear." But it's what she says before that that's the issue.

Miley says she dressed up as a "sexy baby" because it was "obviously funny." No. Wrong. The reason it's not okay should be obvious: the words sexy and baby should never go together. Besides promoting the infantilization of women, it brings up unsavory questions about mental issues beginning with the letter P.

4Miley Shows She's a Boss... In The Worst Possible Way

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Sorry to bring up Beyonce again (no, actually, I'm never sorry to bring up Beyonce again), but Miley's doc also mirrored the way in which Bey acknowledged what a demanding leader she can be when she's putting together amazing projects like her 2011 Billboard Awards masterpiece of a performance.

Miley did the same thing, only instead of losing her mind over the carefully-created graphics meant to dance behind her on National TV, Miley goes ballistic over her VMA red-carpet entrance. I repeat: her VMA red carpet entrance. She was supposed to get out of a cop car instead of an Escalade, you know, because she's harrrrd. When it didn't happen, she threw a tantrum.

Look, I get being an artist and a perfectionist. But losing your mind over a half-second stunt the night you plan on twerking on a foam finger? That's ABSURD.

5Your Master Plan is Showing, Miley

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Despite Miley's constant discussion of her ability to do what she wants (this our party we can do what we want, after all) without consequence, touting how her album came together serendipitously when she simply met the right people at the right time, this documentary occupies the exact opposite space. This is not the party that can't stop, it's a scientific moment of PR evil genius: create the problem (new Miley is confusing), elevate the problem (new Miley is dressed like a twerking, naked baby), and hit the problem like a whiffle ball on a tee (because new Miley's just been been riding the wave to the perfect set-up to sell millions of copies of Bangerz).

And the Win: The Joke's Still On Us

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Despite all this, the unavoidable truth is that "We Can't Stop" and "Wrecking Ball" are good songs. We can replace Miley's gyrating swing with furry kittens and John Boehner's face as many times as we want, but we'll still be singing that catchy, emotional tune.

And if we can't take the music as the word, there's always Pharrel Williams, who touts her talent throughout the doc and warns the world that we'd better stop assuming we already "get" Miley. Apparently, we don't.

The world thinks that they know this girl, but my thing to you is: don’t be fooled.