If 'Top Chef: New Orleans' Doesn't Feature One of These Food Challenges, I'll Be Pissed

Foodies all over have long been waiting for the premiere of Top Chef: New Orleans , and last night did not disappoint. Bursting with unusual meat, sumptuous imagery and scandal (ice, Ramon? REALLY?!?), we got our first taste of what will surely be a colorful Top Chef season. However, I'm stuck on the New Orleans thing. Frog legs and alligator is nice and all, but what about the other New Orleans classics? Are we going to get all of them satisfactorily, and how soon? Now? Can we have them now?

I mean, there's probably a reason Top Chef hasn't journeyed to NOLA before, being that there is a distinct and treasured food culture in the grand state of Louisiana. Sure, the cheftestants (gag, what a word) are talented, but are they ever going to be able to measure up in the face of centuries of gorgeous food? In the face of beignets? How could anything measure up in the face of beignets?

So obviously, there must be terms for this whole Top Chef: New Orleans business. New Orleans and its glorious food traditions must be respected, and these are the best ways I can see to do that. (I may also have a personal stake in seeing someone cross a po'boy with jambalaya, but hey, we're not talking about me, we're talking about New Orleans right?)

Here are the terms by which Top Chef: New Orleans need abide:

1) Po'Boys and jambalaya have to somehow be combined in a challenge. Maybe a pastry challenge?

2) Savory beignets. Need I say more? They need to be made now.

3) A jazz-inspired food challenge. I'm seeing a trip to the French Quarter and then a Quick-Fire elimination challenge.

4) A re-imagined milk punch. Even though milk punch is perfect, as it is.

5) CRAWFISH BAKE. There must be a crawfish challenge, at the very least.

6) Please god, stop with the beads. They're tacky and only used once a year at Mardi Gras.

Image: BravoTV