22 Anti-Valentine's Day Gifts For The Unlucky In Love, And Anyone Else Who Hates This Annoying, Made-Up Holiday
Valentine's Day is upon us — and if your relationship status is eating a whole pizza by yourself, you probably feel pretty meh about celebrating romantic love right now (trust me, I get it). But never fear, because the purveyors of fine handmade goods over at Etsy have stocked their digital shelves with loads of gallows humor gifts to help you and your cynical heart celebrate anti-Valentine's Day, aka Singles Awareness Day, aka February 14, aka the actual Valentine's Day for lovers, aka WTF WHY AM I CRYING AGAIN?!
So you're unlucky in love right now — who's not at some point or another? Buy yourself some lighthearted schwag for your dark night of the soul, and just keep on keepin' on, princess. Next year this time, you're not going to even remember who you were crying about. Plus... I love you!
Don't Worry... Digital Print
Everything is under control… 100 percent totes fine… A-OK… AHHHHHHHHH!!!
Don’t Worry… Digital Print, $12, Etsy
Boyfriend Fridge T-Shirt
My fridge is the best I’ve ever had.
Boyfriend Fridge T-Shirt, $31, Etsy
We Go Together Like Tuna Fish & Cigarettes Snarky Card
It’s like, I know mercury poisoning and lung cancer can kill me, but it’s still my fave combo! :’(
(Anti) Valentine's Day Skull Earrings
So cute, so morbid, so YOU.
(Anti) Valentine’s Day Skull Earrings, $6, Etsy
Broken Hearted Pillow Plushie Decoration
This is the saddest, most pathetic thing ever. Do yourself a favor: buy it, and let it take over for you in that department.
Broken Hearted Pillow Plushie Decoration, $14, Etsy
Cupid Is Stupid Party Wine Glass
You are single and this is your pimp chalice, so fill ‘er up, pour your humanity down the drain, and cruise Tinder for some hoes! Or just cheers to this being the worst year of your life and take comfort in the fact that it can only get better from here (my personal pref).
Cupid Is Stupid Party Wine Glass, $12+, Etsy
Love Curse Voodoo Doll
I have a sneaking suspicion someone already bought this in my honor…
Love Curse Voodoo Doll, $44, Etsy
Blue F*OFF Choker Necklace
This sweet conversation heart choker will tell everyone how much you hate love, and you don’t even have to open your mouth! Or go with these “Whatever” heart earrings if your feelings have downgraded to just plain jaded.
Blue F*OFF Choker Necklace, $18, Etsy
Forget Love I'd Rather Fall In Chocolate Pallet Sign
Cuz falling in chocolate is a lot less messy than falling in love.
Love and Chocolate Pallet Sign, $35, Etsy
I Donut Need You T-Shirt
Send a clear message to your ex that you’re working on yourself — and your mid-section — and IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT HE DESSERTED YOU, because you donut need that fool anymore!
I Donut Need You T-Shirt, $15, Etsy
Baltimore Breakups: A Pop-Up Memoir Zine
Artist Julia Arredondo depicts four of her worst breakups while living in Baltimore in this 10-page hand drawn B&W pop-up zine — a delightful reminder that tragedy + time = comedy… or at least mild amusement.
Baltimore Breakups: A Pop-up Memoir Zine, $25, Etsy
Feeping Creatures Anti-Valentine Monster Card
Cool 2-D depiction of my last relationship.
Feeping Creatures Anti-Valentine Monster Card, $6, Etsy
Broken Heart Nesting Doll
Crossed out eyes, stitched closed mouth, broken heart, AND made out of felt? Don’t mind if I do.
Broken Heart Nesting Doll, $5, Etsy
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band Necklace
This kitschy pendant is the way to go because long after your broken heart is healed, the Beatles will still be good. #noregrets
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band Necklace, $13, Etsy
My Bookshelf Is My Boyfriend Bookmark
…sorry, got distracted imagining what it would be like to literally have sex with a book. Ouch.
My Bookshelf Is My Boyfriend Bookmark, $9, Etsy
If you order a dozen cookies that say “Forever Alone” and eat them all yourself, you won’t feel lonely anymore, right?
Anti-Valentine Cookies, $16, Etsy
Hate and Love Fingerless Gloves
Hey, no one can call you a hater, you’re simply trying to achieve balance.
Hate and Love Fingerless Gloves, $60, Etsy
Hole in My Heart and Butcher Knife Charm Necklace
If I got into a scuffle about contractual obligations and had to change my name to a symbol RIGHT NOW, this would be it. Prince was the “Love Symbol,” and I would be this butchered heart.
Hole in My Heart and Butcher Knife Charm Necklace, $27, Etsy
Zombie Chompers and Heart Soap Sandwich
Eat your heart out, these zombie chompers just won anti-Valentine’s Day!
Zombie Chompers and Heart Soap Sandwich, $7, Etsy