We can all agree that puppies are cutest, sweetest, snuggliest, most lovable creatures on the planet. (If you don’t agree, then I think you need to take a good, long look in the mirror and think about where your life is going). But I think we need to consider the very real possibility that puppies are secretly a superior race of intergalactic travelers who have come to Earth to take advantage of our natural resources and act as benevolent overlords to the struggling human species. Think about it: These furry little aliens have us feeding them, walking them, grooming them, buying them toys, and doing generally disgusting things in their service. And the whole time, we’re following them around with goofy grins on our faces, convinced that a few snuggles here and there makes it all worthwhile. Seriously, have dogs put something in the water? In what world do we get off calling ourselves their masters?
I got a new puppy last summer—the first dog I’ve ever raised as an adult—and although I spent months obsessively planning for her arrival, I was totally unprepared for a 4-pound ball of fluff’s ability to completely take over my home. How has she managed to claim all of my furniture as hers? Where did she get the ability to identify the very worst place in my apartment for her to pee? And then why does she insist on peeing there?? I’m not suggesting that I would change anything about my decision to get a dog. I love my puppy to bits and am pretty much willing to put with anything she does, as long as she keeps letting me scratch her round little belly. But I think the world needs to hear a truth I’ve long suspected: My puppy is an alien invader, and she’s gunning for world domination. And if my home is any indication, she isn't going to have a hard time taking over completely.
Here are 11 ways that we let puppies take over our houses. Are these the natural foibles of baby animals, or evidence of an intergalactic conspiracy? You decide.
1. Everything you own is maybe about to be peed on
When your puppy is not yet housetrained, everything in your home is at risk. If there is some piece of furniture that you think is safe from puppy accidents (say, the bed), your pup will find that piece, pee on it, and laugh at you. How did she manage to get up there? The world will never know. Maybe you should just cover everything with a giant tarp until the house training finally takes hold.
2. Your puppy is a chewing monster
When your puppy reaches the age of three or four months, she’ll start teething. In other words, she’ll turn into one of the Velociraptors from Jurassic Park and will try to sink her tiny needle teeth into anything she can—you furniture, your books, your walls, you. You’ll clear all the books from the lower bookshelves and put anything that normally sits low to the ground in storage. Then, you'll just have to wait and pray that your furniture survives to assault.
3. You have a toy minefield in your living room
Your puppy has toys everywhere. You buy a nice, sturdy basket for the toys to live in, so that they’re not always on the floor. When you put them away, your pup thinks it’s hilarious to pull them all out again. Then, out of spite, she chews on the freaking basket. She thinks it's cute when you make futile attempts to control her chaos, and she thinks it's hilarious when you cry into your pillow in despair.
4. She owns the floor
The floor is your puppy’s territory. If there is something on the floor—a dishtowel, an item of clothing, a yoga mat—she gets to eat it, sit on it, or pee on it. Most likely she’ll try to do all three.
5. The rules are there are no rules
You make practical, well-thought out rules like “no puppy on the bed” and promise yourself you’ll stick to them. But your dog is a master of manipulation and guilt; all it takes is a few minutes of crying and puppy eyes to make you crumple like a piece of paper. Pathetic. YOU ARE PATHETIC AND SHE KNOWS IT.
6. The entryway to your house is a gauntlet
Letting people in and out of the house becomes a complicated process, as they have to a navigate a moving obstacle course made up of a single whirling, barking, jumping, licking, Velociraptor dog.
7. There is dog hair everywhere. No, I mean EVERYWHERE.
Seriously, it’s in the refrigerator. How did that even happen??
8. Your apartment becomes a watchtower
If you live in an apartment, your pup will watch people walking on the street below, and she’ll feel obligated to alert you to Every. Single. One. No one will ever walk past your home without you being loudly aware of it, even at 3AM. Nay, especially at 3AM.
9. Two words: Beard Water
Puppy beards are like sponges. She likes to fill hers up when she drinks and then spray it everywhere like a sprinkler.
10. She’ll find places in your house where you can’t reach her
Your pup will find all of the places in your home that she can reach and you can’t. These areas—under the bed and couch, behind the TV—become her fortresses, and she’ll retreat to them whenever it happens to be most inconvenient for you.
11. She’s tiny—but she’s also shockingly massive
Your puppy has a supernatural ability to change size. She’s tiny enough to fit underneath the couch, but when she’s sitting on top of the sofa, she manages to take up at least two-thirds of it. You find yourself perching on the very edge, totally content with the fact that you’ve completely lost control of your own home. I mean, come on. She’s just so cute.
Images: Kiwi NZ/Flickr; Giphy (8)