If Candy Hearts Really Said What We Were Thinking, They Would Look A Lot Like This

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Why the edible staple of Valentine's Day is a chalky candy heart with a cheesy message written on it will forever remain a mystery. I mean, do people actually like Valentine's Day conversation hearts? Or do they just smirk at the text and then throw them away? They must be going somewhere, because without fail every year thousands of these little guys are sold leading up to February 14.

Admittedly, it is kind of a fun tradition to locate the right ones and give them to the right people. Depending on the message, you could easily share them with your SO or your nemesis. That's because each message has a hidden meaning. We've been reading and analyzing these candy hearts for years now, so we know exactly what the candy heart giver is thinking based on the message that's given to the candy heart recipient.

Ultimately, the best way to determine how someone feels about you is to ask them, but where's the fun in that? Much like a note left on the window of someone's car, candy hearts provide a passive way to express a person's feels. So this year, we've broken down the classic candy heart messages to express what we're really thinking. If candy hearts were honest, this is what they'd look like.

Because... do fax machines even exist anymore?

Yeah, you're not as special as you think. Sorry not sorry.

Mmmm. Mama like.

No, but seriously...

How you know you've found "The One."

It's not a threat. It's a promise.

Kids these days, amirite?

This ain't love, it's clear to see. But, darlin'...

What love looks like in your 20s.

I'm not a fan of your sinister-looking cat, aka I'm allergic.

Can't you see that I want to put my mouth on your mouth?!

Look, I think you're a great guy....

Valentine's Day generally sucks, but at least we have each other.

Illustrations by Caroline Wurtzel