Here we are. Valentine’s Day weekend is upon us, and the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is coming to a theater near you, at long last. It’s destined to make tens of millions of dollars this weekend, which would make Christian Grey proud, since he’s all about beautiful luxury items and money and fancy floggers that probably cost as much as some of our cars.
I saw the movie, and I’m happy to report that Dakota Johnson (daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson) is actually pretty terrific. Jamie Dornan is basically just an object (oh, I’m sorry, I mean he’s a troubled, brilliant man desperate for love but unable to express his emotions unless he has a leather whip in his hand). The first 30 minutes of the film are funny, cheeky and entertaining, and then there’s a lot of stuff about signing contracts and learning about butt plugs and… well, you probably read E.L. James' book, so you know.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, and in honor of the movie that’s destined to become a cinema classic (it's getting really good reviews!), here is a rundown of the eight most hilariously imperfect love lessons from Fifty Shades of Grey.
Love At First Sight Is Real
The minute Anastasia Steele sees Christian in his bespoke suit, her insides turn to jelly and she’s in love. Johnson does a wonderful job of portraying this on screen, and Dornan’s Christian falls for her as well, despite her Little House on the Prairie-esque ensemble. You, too, can see someone and just know. You can just know you love them, but also be shocked when they later show you their “playroom” full of chains and blindfolds and ball gags. It's just that easy.
Brooding = Interesting (Obviously)
When a photographer tells Christian to smile, he can’t. His mouth is frozen in a perpetual scowl, except when Anastasia bites her lip or does something adorable. She’s changing him! Therefore, just because someone is humorless and moody doesn’t mean you should kick him to the curb. It just means they're deep and interesting and full of secrets. Changing a person is super easy and nbd.
You Can Save Him/Her!
As I said above, Anastasia changes Christian merely by standing near him and asking normal, human questions like, “Why can’t we sleep in the same bed or go on a date?” and “Why won’t you let me in?” You, too, can save the troubled, brooding, loner you’ve become unhealthily tethered to. Just stand there, be yourself, ask probing questions, and presto! Their DNA will transform and you’ll have the perfect mate.
Always Bring Wine
Christian always has a fine bottle of white or red and two beautiful glasses in hand. It’s his peace pipe, his little white surrender flag, his seduction tactic. If you’re in a fight with your lover, just waltz in with a wine bottle and you’re halfway to makeup/make-out city.
The Mousy Girl Always Gets The Guy
Like Anastasia, if your hair isn’t quite salon perfect or if your nails have never been polished, don’t worry. You’ll one day meet a dapper billionaire who finds your lack of fashion sense unbelievably sexy and irresistible. And then he'll buy you clothes!
Stalking Is A Sign Of Love
This goes back to Christian’s wine bottle tactic. If your lover goes out of town or has a night out with friends, just hunt them down, track them via GPS, and show up wherever they are — with wine, of course. They’ll know you truly love them and want the best for them.
If They’re Moody, Terrified Of Commitment, And Potentially Sadistic, That’s OK As Long As They’re Crazy Rich
Are you dating someone who’s a little nuts, maybe has a dark past they won’t talk about, and is so commitment-phobic they can’t even sleep in the same bed with you after sex? It’s all good! As long as they have 15 sports cars, a helicopter, a jet, a driver, and the ability to stay in $800-a-night hotel rooms on a whim — go for it.
Always Sign A Contract
Anastasia is very businesslike and wily about the nondisclosure agreement/sex contract Christian gives her. They agree to what he can and cannot do, and it’s all on her terms. This is a wise move in any relationship. It can be about bondage, or about who cleans the dishes and replaces the Swiffer refills when they run out. Cater it to your lifestyle. And, as you’ll see in the movie, contracts can be mind-blowingly sexy.
Go out and see Fifty Shades this weekend, and remember to take notes!
Images: Universal Pictures