An Open Breakup Letter To Winter

Dear Winter,

Before I begin, I want you to know that this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Actually, no. That's a lie. This is the easiest thing I've ever had to do, because even though we've been together for well over two months now, and even though our relationship started out with so much beauty, hope, and tree-shaped cookies, you've felt a little cold lately, Winter. I find your icy disposition smothering and unbecoming. Basically, it's over between us. I'm convinced that I will go insane if I don't get out of this relationship right now. I can't do this anymore. I think we need to see other people.

Don't get me wrong, we did have some good times together... in the beginning. Our first few weeks were so magical that I could barely eat, sleep, or concentrate without daydreaming about wearing my red mittens to go meet you. Your beauty took my breath away. Then there was the first snow. You made the world so beautiful and whimsical with that first snow. Even the dirtiest parts of the city, you made clean with that first snow. I will never forget it. The first time your flakes kissed my cheeks, I thought I was the happiest person in the world.

Not long after that, we hit our first rough patch. I mean, what is "black ice," and why did you keep putting it in my way? Just to get a rise out of me? Aren't you worried about my safety? And then you had to make matters worse by throwing sleet in my face. That was low. I'm still not over it.

Since then, it's been a roller coaster of emotions. We keep trying to patch things up by returning to what first gave us that spark. But I'm sick of the snow, and it's not pretty or magical anymore. It has accumulated into large piles of brown sludge. It's ugly, and dogs keep peeing all over it. No amount of snow is going to repair us, Winter, so I wish you would just stop dumping it on me. You're clingy and miserable, and I hate you.

And if you think granting me another snow day is going to make up for the weird and inappropriate bond you have with Punxsutawney Phil, you can forget it. Why are you two always so chatty? Did he text you late last night? Doesn't Phil have someone else to talk to? Like the mayor or whatever?

Also, before you even ask (I know you're going to ask), yes, I do have feelings for someone else. I know you know who it is. You've noticed the sparkle in my eye and the blush on my face whenever someone mentions Spring. I can't help it. I had every intention of being wholly, wonderfully, completely committed to you, and it was easy back when we were happy. But as our relationship has soured and become saddled with grey, sludgy, cold baggage, and our hearts have frozen to each other, it's become impossible to ignore my attraction to Spring. I feel... warmer when Spring is around. I come alive just imagining our future together. I need to see where that relationship goes. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but you know what? You hurt me.

I can't do this anymore. I think for both of our sakes, we just need a clean break. Maybe one day things will be different, but we can't go on like this. I think you should collect your things. ALL of your things. Please, take them with you. I mean every. single. flake. Go stay with your cousin, Fall. I know Fall isn't working for at least six months, so she'll probably welcome the company. I'll give you the day to gather your things. You get one more day, and then I expect you to be out of my life for good.

Without love,

Every single person in the Northern Hemisphere

Images: John O'Nolan/Flickr; Giphy